TPA e-zine, Issue #13 –Lessons From Running A Marathon
July 6th, 2006
****Outline for this issue****
- Lessons From Running A Marathon
- What Every Parent Should Know about Teens and Pornography (Part 6)
- How Can I Forgive My Loved One? Learning to Reconnect (Part 3)
- New Products: Five Sure-Fire Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships
**** Quote: People do not easily change, but love their own ancient customs…and it is by small degrees only that one thing takes the place of another…(Aristotle in his Politics).
Section 1: Lessons From Running a Marathon
Originally last month I was going to talk about dealing with shame and guilt. However, after recently running a marathon, I have some lessons that I learned from it that might be helpful to you. Here’s a few notes from my experience and some of the lessons I learned.
At the beginning of the race I felt energized to be with over 3000 other runners. While the training was challenging, the morning of the race I was excited to see how my body would perform. It was a beautiful morning with the perfect temperature. The marathon course was excellent. The dedication to training and preparing paid off. What a thrill to cross that finish line.
The first lesson I learned had to do with the importance of training and preparing. I cannot imagine trying to run that far without proper training. Running 26.2 miles requires a significant amount of training. Since mid-January I ran three to four times a week. Some days I ran through rain or snow storms. Other days I thought about sleeping in and not running that day, but instead I forced myself out of bed. In most instances I ran by myself. That made it even more difficult to get out of bed. However, I knew that my training would pay off. The result was by the day of the race, I knew I was ready to run.
Lesson #1: If you want to succeed, you have to pay the price and prepare to succeed. There are going to be days when you want to quit. There will be trials as your prepare. You can prepare to succeed by creating a game plan and working through the 40+ assignments described in my book “Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery.”
Fortunately, I had a friend along with me. We ran about 22 miles together. His support was invaluable. We hadn’t seen each other in almost 11 years. We ran together back in high school. In many instances he pulled me along and encouraged me.
During the marathon, my friend and I passed one particular runner about six times. We would stop and get some water or sports drink and he would pass us. Then we would pass him. We went back and forth like this for the first 18 miles. Then at that point when we were passing him again, he said, “You two have passed me six times.” From there we had a good conversation. The difference was he was running alone for most of the race. It was then that I realized the value of having support during challenging times. I think this is a great metaphor for overcoming an addiction.
Lesson #2: If you want to succeed do not do it alone. You are much more likely to succeed if you have a support team to help you. When the difficult times come, you don’t have to fight the cravings alone. When I was in training I did run alone. It made running more difficult. Having someone to talk to through the difficult times made it bearable.
The beginning of the race was fun and enjoyable, however, as is usually the case with running, the farther you run the more your body complains. About mile 17 I hit the wall. It lasted for about six miles. Every time I stopped for water or a sport drink my legs, knees, and hips would have a hard time getting started again.
Finally, I realized I needed a banana. While I had maintained proper hydration, it was the potassium from the banana that kicked in and enabled me to finish strong.
Lesson #3: While it may appear that you are doing everything you can to succeed, if you are not quite making it, keep trying. Eventually you will find a solution that works best for you.
In the next newsletter, I will discuss the importance of dealing with the shame and guilt so common to addictions.
****
Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 7):
Pornography and Your Child’s Sexual Development
When someone tells you that they have been masturbating and viewing pornography almost daily and sometimes 2-3 times a day since they were 11, what do you say? Is this part of normal sexual development? While some may argue that masturbation is normal child development, the individuals who feel like it is such a large part of their life do not feel normal. They feel out of control.
Researchers have found that children and adolescents who engage in early addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex) are more likely to develop deep-seeded addictions as adults. Such is the case with children who are exposed to regular pornography viewing and who engage in regular masturbation.
While much of early exploration done by children and adolescents with pornography could be deemed curiosity, far too many men tell me that from their initial exposure it became a dominating part of their teen years. Some of the areas that I have seen it impact individuals include:
- Linking pornography and masturbation (meaning individuals have to view pornography to masturbate)
- Masturbation linked with daily sexual fantasys (sometimes multiple times a day)
- Seeking and engaging in early sexual experiences
- Thoughts about sex and/or pornography running through the mind almost constantly
When pornography, masturbation, or sexually related thoughts become dominate during daily thinking, it is important to recognize what is NOT occurring in the mind. As a man (child) thinketh so is he. Can it possibly feel normal to be thinking about pornography or masturbation while in English class? How about the mind that has become so used to seeing pornography that while walking down the hallways of school the mind is focusing solely on girls dressed provocatively? Is this normal sexual development?
While I won’t try to define normal sexual development, I will say that a healthy person has a nice balance in life. Sexuality is not on the mind hour by hour. Teenagers who are succeeding are able to focus on school work, social relationships, and dating relationships where sexuality is not the primary focus.
Clearly, teenagers obsessed with their sexuality due to early exposure, need to be taught how to enjoy multiple aspects of their life. They need to learn how to develop healthy social relationships, while focusing on the development of personal skills and talents. Healing the mind then is learning how to be less sexual and more social. Less focused on inner insecurities associated with personal sexuality, and more focused on service and giving to others.
Finally, teens caught in pornography need to learn to see their own sexuality in perspective. Meaning it is only a part of their identity. Most important, they will develop compassion and love for others around them, while replacing their focus on others as sexual objects and seeing self as an out of control person.
This concludes the final installment of “What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography.” This section will now be included in subsequent newsletters periodically rather than every month. If you have a specific question about teens and pornography please visit my website to ask any questions you might have.
****
Section 3: How Can I Forgive My Loved One? (Part 3)
Reconnecting in the Recovery Process
One of the most difficult issues for a couple after discovering a partner’s sexual addiction (pornography addiction) is how to reconnect. As an observer of couples who are dealing with pornography in their lives, I have seen many different responses. For some, a partners’ pornography addiction destroys the relationship. For others, it sets the couple back initially and then both individuals somehow find their way through the muck and find a deeper intimate bond than they had before. Still others live in anger and hurt, but cannot seem to find a resolution.
I have often asked myself why the different responses. The answer is much more complex than what I can offer in this newsletter. However, what I will share this month are the fundamental principles that seem to help couples reconnect in the recovery process. Before I start this, I must mention that the principles described below only work when TWO people are emotionally able to participate in the change process. Let me give you two examples in which these principles do NOT work.
#1. If the man continues to lie about his involvement in pornography.
#2. If the woman has been hurt repeatedly and her love and desire have waned to the point where she no longer feels love.
Principles for Reconnecting
- Don’t force the change process. When a pornography addiction is discovered, change is required in both partners. The person dealing with the addiction generally feels a little relieved. Why? Because the secret no longer has to be hid. On the other hand, their partner is just discovering a painful truth. Even if they have known for years that something was not quite right, learning the truth can be very painful. Thus, both partners are likely to respond in different ways. Remember both individuals have to recover at their own pace. In most instances, the man will need to learn patience and try not to force his wife to forgive him. This is counter productive and actually leads to more pain for the woman. A helpful idea is for both the husband and wife to receive one-on-one counseling. Then come together for joint counseling.
- Be honest with the pain. Healing requires both individuals to deal with their inner pain. For an addict, this may be years of neglect or abuse while growing up. For a spouse, it may be years of feeling ignored in the marital relationship. Such pain is generally discovered and dealt with in therapy. There will also be relationship issues that will need to be discussed and resolved. Secrets, lies, anger, hurt, feeling disconnected and abandoned are all common problems in relationships where addiction is present. Learning to reconnect requires that these issues be resolved. In most healthy recovery processes, this takes time and cannot be rushed.
- Have integrity. By definition integrity is being truthful and honest. In couples recovery, honesty is bi-directional. Meaning both the man and woman have to be open and honest with each other. For example, a woman who automatically forgives her husband, but hides her hurt is not being honest with herself nor her husband. The husband who downplays his involvement in pornography because it will hurt his wife too much, eventually gets caught and the pain caused to his wife is intensified. On the other hand, honesty opens dialogue and creates the opportunity for deeper and more intimate communication.
When couples use these principles in their relationships, they are more likely to reconnect. On the other hand, when these principles are violated, closeness and true intimacy are seldom achieved.
Next month, I will continue my discussion of how two people can reconnect in the recovery process.
****
Section 4: Products
Recently, two therapists that I admire and respect published their book, "Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem." If you are in a relationship where your spouse is involved in pornography I highly recommend this book by Rory Reid and Dan Gray. These are two therapists that I respect and admire for their ongoing work in fighting the battle against pornography.
I wish you the very best.
Until Aug--Good luck and may God Bless you.
With regards,
Dr. Kevin Skinner
p.s. For the past few months I have told you that in the next couple of months I will have some exciting news. Stay tuned. I originally thought by July I would have these new ideas completed, but tragedy hit close by and I have had to spend time helping others cope with loss. You can still expect something new and exciting to help both those struggling with pornography and their loved one. I am still working to get these projects completed. You will be the first to know when they are completed.
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