Ask a family member to check up on you once a week or every other week. If you know that someone is going to be checking up on you it will make you more accountable.
When you involve others in your fight against pornography you will see how many people want to help you overcome this problem. If you continue to struggle to find support, keep trying. Creating a connection with others will help you in the long run. Remember that winning the battle against pornography is not done over night. If you have friends who you can turn to for months and years ahead, you will be much more likely to succeed.
In the next newsletter I will describe the stages of change to help you evaluate where you are in the recovery process.
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Section 2: Is Your Child Downplaying Their Involvement in Pornography?
Last month I addressed the importance of discussing pornography with your child. This month I want to take this discussion a step further. If you have found that your child has become involved in pornography, it is important that you assess how deep their involvement has become. As a general rule of thumb, I expect that teenagers (and adults) downplay their level of involvement. As a parent, it is easy to assume that your child will tell you the truth about their involvement, but this has not been my experience as a therapist. As I meet with teenagers, I have found that many of them only tell their parents enough to get them off their back. So, mom and dad, how do we change this? We learn to ask the right questions. Here are some general rules for opening up a more truthful dialogue with your child.
Rule #1. Avoid getting angry or upset at your child for his/her behavior. When you get angry, you will automatically shutdown your opportunity to hear the truth. If you are going to confront your child about his/her involvement with pornography (or chat-room discussions) you need to identify what it is you want to accomplish in your discussion.
Rule #2. Ask yourself this question, “How do I get my child to open up to me?” This may take some time. In fact, you may realize that you and your child haven’t had an open discussion for months or years. Focus on asking questions that will get your child to open up to you.
Rule #3. Increase your own awareness of how your child is getting access to pornography. For example, you may want to learn about file sharing, chat room discussions, and links they are using to access pornography. If your relationship is open enough with your child you can ask them to tell you their most common way of finding pornography. (For your information, my clients tell me that search engines, file sharing, and email links are the most common ways they get access to pornography.)
Rule#4. If your child continues to downplay their involvement, it is appropriate to tell your child that you expect them to have a hard time being completely open and honest with you. Remind them that you were a teenager before and that you know it isn’t easy to talk with parents. However, let them know that you want to understand them.
Rule #5. Don’t be shocked. This can shut your child down quickly. You need to be prepared for whatever your child tells you. This isn’t easy, but if you act shocked you may not hear the whole truth. If your child realizes that you understand his/her level of involvement, he/she will be much more likely to share everything with you.
These are some general guidelines for helping you deal with a child who is downplaying his/her involvement in pornography. Remember that you cannot push or force your child to tell you. They will open up when they realize that you are safe to tell. Only when they trust you completely will they open up.
Next month, I will share 5 steps to protect your child from accessing Internet pornography.
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Section 3: Dealing with the Pain of Betrayal
It hurts to learn that your spouse is involved in pornography or online sexual behaviors. Internet infidelity is probably the fastest growing form of cheating. Dealing with this kind of betrayal is never easy, especially since it can occur within the walls of your own home. Since the Internet is relatively new, couples, therapists, and religious leaders are trying to understand how to deal with Internet affairs.
If you are dealing with the pains of betrayal, I have created a few ideas with the hope that they will bring you some solace. First, I realize that your heart hurts. The feeling of betrayal is gut wrenching and creates a lot of worry and pain. Therefore, it is important that you involve others in your healing process. While your spouse seems like the best option, this is not always the case. Remember they are dealing with an addiction. How likely are they to be able to meet your needs while they are dealing with their own issues? Therefore, I recommend that you seek support from a group such as, Codependents of Sex Addicts COSA). This type of group can help you deal with your issues and help you understand how to effectively react to your spouse (or partner).
Second, create time to talk with your spouse about what they are experiencing and describe to them what you are experiencing. This is not a time for blaming. It is simply time to step out of yourselves long enough to explain how this experience is impacting you. There is great power in sharing your fears and worries with each other. If your spouse is willing to do this with you, you will likely heal more quickly.
Third, take time to seek solutions to the pain. It is important that your mind see that there is a way out of the pain. Your mind can get so caught up worrying whether your spouse has stopped their inappropriate behavior that your life gets put on hold. Such feelings are common but they are not healthy for you or your relationship. Learning to develop self-growth skills during times like these will demonstrate to your spouse how strong you can be. Being strong and focused on healing at this time sends a message to your spouse that things are going to change in your relationship. Your partner will realize that you are changing and that he or she will either need to change his or her behaviors or lose you. Your healing and growth may change your entire family system.
Fourth, take time to write down your pain. You cannot ignore the pain. One of the best ways to let out your inner frustrations is through writing. I recommend to all of my clients who are dealing with an addiction or a spouse’s addiction that they take 20 minutes a day to write down their frustrations and worries. Then, before they quit writing, I ask them to review what they have written and ponder on ways they could solve their concerns. They are then asked to write down their solutions as well.
Next month, I will discuss the importance of understanding your spouse’s addiction.
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Section 4: Products
Last month I told you about "Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery" workbook. This book is now available and can be purchased at --
GrowthClimate.com
This book will walk you step-by-step through the tools that are effective in overcoming this addiction.
In addition to the book, I have created three CDs to help provide educational ideas on how to overcome a pornography addiction. These CD's are available along with the book at the following link Addicted to Internet Pornography.
During the next few months I will be recommending a few other products that I have found helpful to my clients. If you have a book or other resources that you have found helpful, please let me know.
Until September--Good luck and may God Bless you.
With regards,
Dr. Kevin Skinner
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