TPA Newsletter: Issue #004: Stages of Change

****Outline for this issue****

1. Steps to Changing for Good
2. Five steps to protect your child from accessing Internet pornography and more
3. Understanding Your Spouse’s Addiction
4. Exciting new products

Section 1: Steps to Changing for Good

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We change whether we like it or not.” In studying the process of change among addicts who successfully changed their behaviors, Dr. James Prochaska and his colleagues found six key stages of change.

Stage #1: Precontemplation:This stage is characterized by the lack of a desire to change. Individuals in this stage wish that people would just leave them alone. “They don’t want to think, talk, or read about their problem because they feel the situation is helpless.” (Prochaska, et. al. 1994). If you are reading this e-zine you probably do not fit into this category.

Stage #2: Contemplation: Individuals in this stage recognize they need to change, but aren’t quite ready to give up their behaviors. They may stay in this stage for months or years. “When contemplators begin the transition to the preparation stage, their thinking is clearly marked by two changes. First, they begin to focus on the solution rather than the problem. Then they begin to think more about the future than the past” (ibid).

Stage #3: Preparation: During this stage you are developing a plan of action. Individuals begin thinking about what they need to change in order to succeed. Developing strategies is critical for long-term success. One of the reasons so many people relapse is because they have not adequately prepared.

Stage #4: Taking-Action: Once a person has developed a plan it is time to carry it out. During this stage you are actively attempting to change your behaviors. You may be attending a group, visiting with a counselor, or talking with a spiritual leader. You may also be limiting your access to the Internet, television, movies, etc.—In general, those who are in this stage are more hopeful and optimistic that change is possible.

Stage #5: Maintenance: Those in this stage are focused on working to succeed. They recognize that they have to work hard to maintain their gains. Aware that relapse is possible, they focus on maintaining their changes. During this stage confidence increases and life begins to take on a new meaning.

Stage #6: Termination: While many people debate whether an addict can ever really be free of their addiction, Prochaska writes that during this stage, “…you will have complete confidence that you can cope without fear of relapse.” In reality individuals at this stage have been clean for years and no longer have a desire to go back to their former behaviors.

Now that you have read through the six stages of change, which stage would you place yourself in? Most people go back and forth between the stages until they finally make the final leap to success. According to Dr. Prochaska and his colleagues most people try four to six times before they eventually succeed. By considering where you are in these stages you have a solid way to evaluate where you are in the change process.

I believe it is important to remember that you will not move from one stage to the next until you are ready. People cannot be forced through these stages.

In the next newsletter, I will share information that I glean from professional conferences I will be attending on pornography and sex addiction.

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Section 2: Five steps to protect your child from accessing Internet pornography and more.

It is better to place a fence at the top of a cliff rather than an ambulance at the bottom. In an effort to protect your children from Internet pornography and other potentially dangerous sites, consider the following steps.

Idea #1. Before you allow your child to use your computer discuss with them the rules and privileges of using your home computer. Establish guidelines. Let them know that there are dangerous sites. Give them examples of things that they should not share over the Internet such as their full name, address, phone number, school, or age. Teach them about the importance of staying away from chat rooms or randomly giving out their email address.

Idea #2. Teach your children about spam and pop-up windows. Let them know the importance of not opening up any email that is from someone they do not know. You may invest in a program that prevents pop-up windows. Some Internet providers offer this for free.

Idea #3. Filters—Let your child know that you are aware that some webmasters intentionally alter the names of their sites in an effort to get people to visit their site. As a result it is helpful to let your child know that you are going to place a filter on your computer. As a parent you need to understand that filters do help, but children who really understand the Internet can navigate their way around filters. If your child is computer savvy you may ask them to educate you on how they get around filters.

If you don’t already have an Internet filter. Here’s a filter company that I recommend-- Netmop offers a unique service where you have to call their 24/7 service to have your filter turned off.

Idea #4. Covenant Eyes —is a program that tracks every website that is visited and sends an “accountability partner” a weekly update on sites visited during the week. This system is NOT a filter, but it does track and score all websites visited. If it is disabled, you will receive an email from the company. It is a good idea to let your child know that this system is on your computer. In many instances installing this type of system lets your child know that you are serious about keeping your computer porn free.

Idea #5. Role play—one way to educate your child about pornography is to role play appropriate responses when they encounter any type of pornography. I recognize that it is not always easy for children and parents to talk about pornography, but it is appropriate to let your child know that if they encounter pornography that they can come to you and discuss it. This normalizes the fact that they may see it and it gives them the chance to talk with you about it. If you follow these five steps and are open with your child they will respect your desire to protect them from pornography. They may not fully understand why you are concerned, but they will eventually respect your efforts.

Next month, I will be discussing information I gather at a pornography conference held in Salt Lake City.

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Section 3: Understanding Your Spouse’s Addiction

It is hard to not take a spouse’s involvement in pornography personally. However, in my experience as a professional, those who understand the power of addiction learn to not take their partner’s behavior so personally. Therefore, I highly recommend that if your spouse is addicted that you consider the following ideas to help you learn more on how to respond to your spouse.

First, seek group support. I mentioned this in my last newsletter, but I cannot encourage it enough, especially in the early stages. You will learn that you are not alone. Second, I encourage partners of addicts to learn about addiction so that they understand what they can expect in the recovery process. The more one learns about addiction the more educated decisions can be made. With good education you can know how to respond and how not to respond. In this process, you will feel more like you are acting than being acted upon. You will learn that you cannot control your partner’s addiction, but you can control how you respond.

Third, learn the common characteristics that accompany addiction. Such behaviors include: compulsive behaviors, turning to the behavior even after agreeing to avoid it, viewing pornography when the consequences of getting caught are significant, becoming irritable or grumpy when unable to view it. These are just a few of the common signs of an addiction. I encourage you to learn more about the behaviors that make up the addiction. One of my favorite books on this topic is “Love First.” This book focuses on understanding and helping drug and alcohol addicts, but the principles are still valuable for partners of pornography and sex addicts.

Next month, I will be discussing information I gather at a pornography conference held in Salt Lake City.

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Section 4: Products

Recently I have been reading a really good book on change. I mentioned this book in the first part of this e-zine. This month I have chosen Changing for Good as the product of the month. This book offers a nice overview of how long-lasting change occurs. I have really enjoyed this book and recommend it as a good base building book for individuals who want to get the big picture of how change occurs.

Until October--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner