Exciting new products
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Section 1: Awareness: A Powerful Tool for Creating Change
Have you ever driven from one location to another and when you arrived at your new destination wondered how you got there? It is a common thing for us humans to simply go through the motions of life without thinking about why we do what we do. For example, why did you choose your profession? Why did you choose to date and marry a certain type of person? What do you think about when you have time to think? Why do you turn to pornography when you are bored or sad? Anytime you give these questions serious thought, you are likely going to increase your awareness. When this occurs you begin to understand yourself.
As a therapist, it has been my experience that clients who increase their awareness of why they do what they do are more likely to change their behavior. Consequently, I would like to share a few steps you can use to increase your awareness.
Step #1: Write down the times you are most vulnerable to viewing pornography. This requires you to evaluate your patterns of pornography viewing. Do you view it in the morning, afternoon, or evening? On weekends or weekdays or both? Are there certain things that trigger you into thinking about looking at pornography? I recommend that you take some time and answer these questions.
Step #2: Monitor your own emotions. Are you generally a happy or sad person? Are you positive or negative? Do you turn to pornography when you are sad, down, or frustrated? Do you know what emotions you are feeling before you view pornography? Can you identify the emotions you feel after viewing pornography? If you are not a person who is aware of your own emotions, I would recommend that you start writing your thoughts down in a daily journal.
Step #3: Evaluate others’ emotions. Learn how your emotions impact other people. It is common for us to think so much about ourselves that we forget how other people feel and think. As you consider how your behavior can impact others emotions, you can gain an appreciation for emotions.
If you are interested in learning more about emotions, I would recommend that you read the book, "Emotional Intelligence
", by Daniel Goleman.
In the next newsletter, I will discuss a process that will help you get to deeper emotional issues.
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Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 1)
Warning! Over 15 million children have received a sexual solicitation while on their home computer. Warning! Another 15 million children in the United States have viewed pornographic pictures online. The U.S. Department of Justice estimated that 77 million children would be online in 2005. (1) At least 20% of them will receive an unwanted sexual solicitation and at least another 21% of teens have said that they have looked at something on the Internet that they wouldn’t want their parents to know about. (2,3) If we project forward with these statistics and follow current trends. which suggest that 10% of all adults who view online pornography become addicted (4), this would suggest that nearly 1.5 million teenagers are either currently addicted to pornography or will become addicted.
When exposed to pornography (a mood-altering experience) we can expect that a certain percentage will become addicted. In describing the challenge of engaging in addictive behaviors one author wrote, “Once the choice to use a mood-altering drug is made, it is anybody’s guess as to who will and will not become chemically dependent.” (5) Since many children are not initially seeking out pornography the question must be asked, “Is our society exposing children to a potentially addictive behavior without the child’s consent? Is giving children access to pornography similar to allowing minors to drink? These are questions that we must be asking ourselves as it has become apparent that pornography is addictive. Whose child will become addicted? Whose child will act out and bring remorse to the entire family? The answer is that it could be any child who is exposed to pornography.
This section does not paint a pretty picture of the challenges that lie ahead in terms of youth being involved in pornography and online sexual behaviors. Our children are being attacked on every front with sexual content and pornographic images. Unfortunately, most parents do not understand the extent of exposure their child has to pornography. Dr. Medhus in her book, “Raising Children Who Think for Themselves” shared a sad story about a teenager who said, “Man, if my parents ever knew some of the places I go on the Internet, they’d freak. It’s like major, heavy, X-rated stuff. I just lock my door and cruise away. They have no idea, and I’m keeping it that way, thank you very much.”(6)
What challenges does pornography present to your children, your family, and ultimately our entire society? Never in the history of mankind has pornography been such a part of our society. Al Cooper described it best when he said, “It is affordable, accessible, and anonymous.” (7) With access to pornography at the fingertip of every child who uses the Internet and with little research to determine the outcome of such exposure, we are in extreme danger of waking up to a social plague.
The answer to resolve this problem is complex. Those who fight for pornography have tremendous power and influence. With the pornography industry generating billions of dollars each year, their ability to lobby is powerful. Those who are anti-pornography have limited funds and in many instances hit a wall called “freedom of speech.” Furthermore, many adults simply do not believe that there is anything wrong with pornography. The Barna research group found that 38% of adults believe there is nothing wrong with pornography use. (8)
This was illustrated best to me by a client who said that he viewed pornography at his friend’s house in the sixth grade. The mother of his friend bought her son Playboy magazines and allowed him to watch pornographic videos. Needless to say, this type of influence did not only impact her son, but many of the neighborhood boys. My client spent hours at his friend’s house viewing pornographic magazines and videos. His parents were unaware that their son’s friend had a mother who was condoning involvement in pornography. Gradually his involvement in pornography became a personal thing he did regularly on his own until his parents found traces of pornography on their home computer. Unfortunately by the time they became aware of their son’s behavior he was already addicted.
Stories like this are common among my clients. Not long ago most of my clients had their first exposure to pornography through magazines and generally in infrequent intervals. However, with the Internet so infiltrated with pornographic websites, this is changing and clients are reporting that their first exposure comes on their home computer playing an Internet video game, a web link, email, or via some other unintentional means. Unfortunately, any exposure makes children vulnerable to increased viewing due to natural curiosity. The transition from inadvertent viewing to purposely finding pornography happens quickly for most children. As a parent it is imperative that you understand how pornography can permanently alter your child’s life.
During the next few months the focus on this section of the newsletter will focus on key elements that will help you understand why it is so important to help your child avoid pornography. We will begin by discussing how pornography impacts your child’s mind. Then I will describe how continued pornographic use can hinder emotional development. Next, I will discuss the social implications of prolonged pornography exposure on your child. Finally, I will identify common sexual challenges children face when pornographic images encumber their mind. Look for these sections in upcoming months.
Next month, I will share how pornography impacts your child’s mind.
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Section 3: The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction.
There is never an easy solution when helping a person whose spouse has a sexual addiction. Some individuals want help leaving. Others want to know what steps to take to help their spouse. Others simply don’t know what to do. This newsletter is going to outline some of the common stages you can expect to go through if you are going to try to stay in the marriage. During the next few months I will add upon the stages found in this newsletter. These stages have been discussed by other professionals, such as Jennifer Schnieder. I will be sharing the stages from my personal experience and a recent conversation I had with a woman whose husband had a sexual addiction.
Question: What was your first response when you learned of your husband’s sexual behavior? (Please note the words below are not word for word).
Answer: I felt a thousand emotions at once. Shock, hurt, anger, and rage were probably my first emotions. I couldn’t believe my husband would betray me that way.
Question: So what did you do?
Answer: I flipped out. I yelled at him. I threw things at him. I destroyed some of our pictures.
Question: What was his response?
Answer: He just took it. He knew he was guilty. He looked at me like I was crazy. But when I told him to get out, he began asking me not to overreact.
Question: What did you do next?
Answer: I told him to get out. I told him he wasn’t welcome in the house. I told him I wanted a divorce.
Question: How did he respond to that?
Answer: He once again asked me not to overreact and throw everything away. Imagine him asking me not to throw everything away. What was he thinking while he was looking at those naked women on the computer? It still irks me.
Question: What was it like over the next few days?
Answer: I couldn’t sleep that night. I called up a couple of my closest friends and cried on their shoulders. Nothing brought comfort. I wanted to talk to him and ask him a million questions and at the same time I wanted to avoid him and punish him. In retrospect I wanted him to feel my pain.
Question: If you had to describe your relationship the first few weeks after finding out about his behavior how would you describe them?
Answer: Hell. It was an emotional roller coaster. I wanted to be with him and pretend like nothing happened. On the other hand I wanted to divorce him and get him out of my life. Sometimes I would feel both of those feelings within minutes of each other. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. Even now I don’t know exactly how to respond.
Question: What would you want to tell someone who has just learned that their partner is dealing with a pornography or sexual addiction?
Answer: I am sorry. The next few days and weeks are going to be an emotional ride. I got so emotionally caught up in my pain that I wasn’t able to think or do anything. You may feel like you are going to lose your mind. I really thought I was going to lose my mind. I had to learn how to live one hour, one day at a time. I honestly forgot to do a lot of things during those first few weeks. As time passes you feel some hope but also feel despair. If your spouse was like mine, you may go through a honeymoon phase where he does everything to try and please you. This is nice but hard to believe it will last.
I would also encourage women to talk to someone. You cannot keep your pain inside. Talk with a close friend, or someone you can trust. (I would add that I think you need to make sure that this person isn’t going to share what you tell them with others).
Next month, I will continue with this interview.
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Section 4: Products
This month I have a couple of recommendations for the spouse of an addict.
Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness, Third Edition (Paperback)
Reclaim Your Family From Addiction : How Couples and Families Recover Love and Meaning (Paperback)
Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Good luck and may God Bless you.
With regards,
Dr. Kevin Skinner
References from section 2:
- Marino, Rob (2003). "Terror in Cyberspace," 12-26-03
- The Web's Dark Secret. Newsweek, 19 March, 2001.
- A World of Their Own. Newsweek, 8 May 2000.
- http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html
- Jay, Jeff and Jay, Debra, (2000). Love First. A New Approach to Intervention for Alcoholism & Drug Addiction. Hazeldon.
- Medhus, Elisa, (2001). Raising Children Who Think for Themselves. MJF Books: New York.
- Cooper, Al, (Ed.) Cybersex: The Dark Side of the Force. Philadelphia, PA. Taylor & Francis, 2000. (A reprinting of a double issue of the journal of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity which was devoted to cybersex).
- Morality Continues to Decay. Barna Research Group, 3 November, 2003.
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