****Outline for this issue****

1. A Success Story: A Process Not An Event
2. Discussing the problems of pornography with a child who thinks it is not that big of a deal. 
3. Principles of confronting a spouse who is involved in pornography.
4. Products

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Section 1: A Success Story: A Process Not An Event

The other day I was talking with a friend who had, at one point in her life, lost everything that was important to her. When I say everything, I mean everything. However, if you saw her today you would never know that she had once been in the depths of despair and feeling completely hopeless. As she and I talked, I couldn’t help but wonder how she had transformed her life? Her internal lights were on and she was excited for her future.

Such experiences are extremely invigorating for me to observe. After repeatedly letting her family down and breaking trust with them, her family is starting to welcome her back. They are slowly learning to trust her again. As I have watched her change occur, I am convinced that the recipe for a new lifestyle is a process and not an event.

I asked her when the change began for her. Her answer, much like others who I see in recovery, begins with acknowledging the need for help from a higher power. She insisted that without admitting that she needed help from a higher power she would have never begun the healing process. In addition, she believes her change has come about because she has included others in her battle. She is also hungry for new knowledge. She wants to learn everything she can about changing. She literally craves knowledge and learning. This is completely different from the drug-using woman I had known for years.

In my early experiences with her, I tried to convince her that by seeking new ways to cope with addiction she could overcome the powerful pull of drugs. At that time, she wasn’t ready to listen. She heard me explain the steps of change, but she couldn’t see herself changing. Change was for others.

Today, she is well on the path to recovery. Here’s a short list of things that she is doing to illustrate her change:

·         She is learning to deal with emotions that previously caused her to use drugs. For example, she was struggling with a family member who was constantly bringing up her past issues. In the past, this would have been a good excuse to relapse. Now she is able to tell that person that she is embarrassed by her previous behavior and that she needs this family member to begin to see her as a person who isn’t using anymore.

·         She seeks help when she doesn’t know how to deal with an emotion. This is a big step for anyone dealing with an addiction. She has learned that she can turn to her support team when she finds her emotions spinning out of control.

·         She is open about her addiction and is willing to attend groups and share her experiences in a group setting. As much as I encouraged this years ago, she almost always found excuses to not attend meetings.

·         She is honest with everyone. She is open with her family and friends about the days that she has cravings. In fact, she asks for help knowing that that can help reduce her desires.

The most exciting part of watching her change is that she has a newfound energy. She has hope and excitement for the future. How has she gotten to this point? Her response, “I was tired of hurting myself and others. I have lost everything. That is not who I am or who I want to be. Now I want to live up to my potential.”

My next question to her was—Are you scared? Her response, “There are days where I think about who I was and it makes me shudder. I was a scary person. I have done so many bad things I am ashamed of myself, but I have learned that I cannot focus on who I was only on who I want to be.” Notice her ability to not focus on the shame and guilt that can lead back to relapse.

She and I both know that her journey isn’t over, because change is a process. However, she has felt what life can be like without her addiction. You too can feel this. It takes time and energy and new knowledge. It requires openness to change and recognition of the need for help from a higher power.

In the next newsletter, I will discuss one of the most powerful tools I have discovered in the process of creating change.  

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Section 2: Discussing the problems of pornography with a child who thinks it is not that big of a deal. 

It is difficult being a teenager in today’s society. Pressures come from almost every side. Consequently, many teens struggle to know to whom they can turn and to whom they should listen. The real challenge is that our media and other outlets are pushing the boundaries with sexual content. The result is that our children are being exposed to sexually explicit material at very early ages -- long before they should be.

The consequence of such exposure is that teens may believe that sexually explicit material (pornography) is NOT that big of a deal. As a parent, this places you in a challenging position. How do you talk with your child about the potential harm of pornography when the voices around them are telling them there is nothing wrong with it?

While I don’t claim that there is an easy solution to this problem, there are approaches that will be more effective than others. Below I will try to provide a couple of key suggestions and a written dialogue of what an effective conversation might sound like. 

#1: Ask questions and listen to your teen. As parents, our first inclination is to talk. We should reverse that role and ask questions so that our children talk. This accomplishes two things. First, it lets our child know that we want to understand them. Second, it allows us to identify their beliefs.

If your child is one who likes to argue with you, it won’t do you any good to listen to them and then tell them how wrong their perspective may be. Instead, once you have listened to their opinion about pornography you may try to ask questions about how pornography could impact their relationships or how viewing pornography impacts what they think about. Or you may ask how they feel about themselves after viewing pornography. Notice that each of these questions requires your teen to give you feedback rather than listening to you rant and rave about the problems associated with pornography.

#2: Create an environment where your child feels comfortable talking with you. Here’s an example of how you might do this.

Dad: “Son, I was reviewing the temporary internet files on the computer last night and found a few pornography sites that I believe you may have visited.”

Son: “Dad, it was just a couple of sites.”

Dad: “What did you think about what you saw?”

Son: “I don’t think there is anything wrong with viewing pornography.  It’s not like I am looking at it every day. What do you think I am, a pervert?”

Dad: “No. I definitely don’t think you are a pervert. I believe it is normal for teens to be curious about the human body and sexual images. When I was your age I was curious about sexual things. In addition, I realize that you are confronted with decisions about whether to look at pornography or not way more than I ever was. I suppose this cannot be easy for you. What is it like for you?

Son: “Dad it is everywhere. It doesn’t really matter what I am doing, I see sexual images all around me”

Dad: “How do you deal with that?”

Son: “I have just come to accept it.”

Dad: “So help me understand what happened the other night when you viewed it by yourself while your mom and I were gone?”

Son: “I guess I was just curious and a little bored.”

Dad: “How many times would you say you have viewed pornography from our home computer?”

Son: “Not that many.”

Dad: “How many times would you say? I won’t be mad.”

Son: “I don’t know. Probably 10 times.”

Dad: “Thanks for being honest with me. What is it like for you when you visit those sites. I mean how do you feel?”

Son: “I feel anxious and excited at the same time.”

Dad: “Earlier you mentioned that you didn’t think looking at pornography was that big of a deal. Is that really how you feel?”

Son: “I don’t know what to think. Sometimes I don’t think it is that big of a deal and other times I feel bad or guilty about looking at it.”

Dad: “Why do you think you feel bad or guilty about looking at pornography?

Son: “Because I know that you and mom don’t approve of it.”

Dad: “Take mom and I away from this picture, how would you feel if you were on your own?”

Son: “I don’t know I have never thought about it that way. I guess I would still feel a little guilty.”

Dad: “Why do you think that is?”

Son: “It probably isn’t good for me. I would be ashamed if others knew I was looking at it.”

Dad: “That makes sense. Do you have any questions about pornography for me?”

Son: “Not now.”

Dad: “Thanks for talking with me. I want you to know that you can talk to me anytime. Would it be okay if I checked up on you periodically and asked how it is going? I think it would be helpful for everyone in our house to be accountable so we are going to put Covenant Eyes on our computer. This program monitors every site we go to and sends us a weekly report of all of the sites visited. Do you think this would help you?”

Son: “Yea, that will definitely remind me to watch the sites I visit.”

Dad: “Thanks again for talking with me. You are a good kid.”

I recognize that some teens will not want to talk to you or that they may become defiant if you bring up the topic of pornography. However, if you ask the right questions, aren’t judgmental, and send value to them, they will be much more likely to open up to you.

Next month, I will share parts of a chapter of a book that I am working on to help parents deal with teens involved in pornography.  

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Section 3: Principles of confronting a spouse who is involved in pornography.

A principle is a fundamental truth or law that doesn’t change. So ask yourself this question, “Are there principles that are effective in communicating how your spouse’s involvement in pornography impacts you?” Obviously, yelling or screaming at your spouse won’t get them to change. However, if you are like most people, you have tried this method a few times anyway. Ignoring or withholding sexual favors probably doesn’t work either. You may have tried this one too.

So what principles work? Integrity. Honesty. It is important to let your spouse know that their behavior is hurting you and your relationship. This requires that you are honest with yourself and seek to understand how their involvement with pornography has impacted you.

Next, confronting with anger doesn’t work. Confronting with love does. Here’s two statements to illustrate this point.

#1: If you look at pornography one more time, our relationship is over.

#2: I love you. I really do. You are a good person who has taught me so many wonderful things. I cannot imagine life without you. My challenge is that I don’t know how to deal with your pornography problem. It hurts me so bad. I feel devalued and like I am just another body to you.

A third principle that works with confronting a spouse is expressing a desire to strengthen your marriage relationship. One theory of why pornography addicts have such a hard time overcoming pornography is that they don’t allow themselves to attach to others. Expressing a desire to grow with your spouse is a unique way of confronting their lack of attachment.

These are three principles that are more likely to create change in your spouse than the natural inclination to punish them. If you would like to receive more information on these principles and two more—I would encourage you to visit my website and purchase Five Sure-Fire Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships.

Next month, I will share parts of a recent interview I had with a woman who is dealing with her spouse’s sexual addiction. You will want to read her story and how she has learned to make it through difficult times.

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Section 4: Products

This months focus product is GrowthClimate Basics. This nine hour training changed my view of life and how I do therapy. After attending graduate school I met Mr. Kenneth Patey and attended his GrowthClimate Basic course. This class has helped me as a therapist, as a father, and as a husband. Much of my approach to treating pornography addiction comes from this incredible material.

If you are interested in learning how to improve your relationships, this nine hour class will change how you view yourself and your relationships. These CD's and book have changed thousands of lives over the past 20 years. To learn more about this product you can visit - GrowthClimate.com

Until December--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner