May 4th, 2006

****Outline for this issue****

1. Forming Authentic Relationships
2. What Every Parent Should Know about Teens and Pornography (Part 6)
3. How Can I Forgive My Loved One? (Part 2)
4. New Products: Five Sure-Fire Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships

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Section 1: Attachment and Real Closeness

What is the hardest thing you have ever done? This weekend I am going to run my first ever marathon. I will tell you the training alone has pushed my limits. The dedication to training and preparing has taught me a lot about myself. It is hard training for a marathon. I will let you know how I do next month. As hard as my training has been I believe it is much harder for many people, especially individuals struggling with pornography addiction, to feel like they can create real lasting connections with others.

The problem with any addiction is that the addict is most likely to feel unworthy of the love others are willing to give to them. The most likely consequence of such feelings is isolation and feelings of insecurity in relationships. Said another way, it is hard to allow yourself to let others into your life when you are living a lie.

Conversely, when individuals struggling with addictions start talking with others about their addictions they begin the healing process. No more secrets, no more lies, no more deceptions. It is truly amazing how the truth will set you free. You have heard me quote before the true words of Dr. David Viscott, “If you lived honestly, your life would heal itself.” I firmly believe this is true.

I believe the more honest we are with others, the closer we become with them. This is a basic concept of attachment. As humans, our general drive is to get close to others. For example, this past weekend I met with a group of 50 single adults all over the age of 35. I asked them a simple question, “How much time do you spend thinking about relationships?” The answers were typical. One lady said, “all day, every waking hour.” Another said at least 2 hours every day. We spend a lot of time thinking about relationships. Have you ever wondered why? I believe the answer is simple. It is built into our very beings to be close to others. That is the very problem with any addiction. It takes us away from real long-lasting connections.

Here’s my point. If you want to fight your addiction with greater vigor, try developing healthy relationships with the people around you. Work your hardest to be honest, be more kind, more loving, and more compassionate. These are the manifestations or behaviors of people who are in control and in charge of their life. They are more focused on loving others than they are on their addiction.

If you want to assess yourself in the attachment area consider asking yourself this question, “Who am I closest to?” or “Do I have deep lasting friendships?” If you do not, why not? I believe that everyone can develop better relationships with others, but it takes learning the right relationship skills. We take relationships for granted. We assume that we know how to make relationships work. I believe we are poor at relationships and that it requires more work than most people are willing to put into them. If you want to succeed in your relationships you have to work at them. As we work to improve our relationships we will be less focused on ourselves, and the selfish addictions that have overcome our lives.

In the next newsletter, I will discuss the importance of dealing with the shame and guilt so common to addictions.

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Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 6): Pornography, Sexual Development, and Sexual Relations

Unfortunately, more and more children are being exposed to pornography before they physically mature. Most of the research that I am seeing indicates that the average child is being exposed to pornography by age 11. The full implications of this are not yet known, however we do know that it changes the brain and likely increases early sexual exploration. Many of the young men that I have met with who were exposed to pornography at a young age told me that they were acting out things they were seeing in sexual videos. Others reported excessive masturbation at an early age, often before puberty. Given these self reports, it could be hypothesized that pornography leads to premature exploration of sexual behaviors such as masturbation or acting out with other children.

Based upon my clinical experience children who are exposed to pornography are likely to have problems in relationships as they mature. Some of the common struggles that I have seen with clients include:

• Struggle developing healthy relationships
• Lack of respect for others’ boundaries
• Development of unrealistic sexual expectations as an adult
• Lack of desire for normal healthy sexual relations
• Viewing others as objects rather than people

Struggle developing healthy relationships

As previously mentioned, individuals who chronically view pornography often isolate themselves from others. Their desires and perception of themselves and others is altered. For the most part, their desire to date and get to know others doesn’t diminish, just their own fears hurt their chances of developing healthy friendships and relationships.

Often this occurs due to prolonged pornography viewing. One client described it this way, “I have seen so many pictures of perfect models that I do not feel girls would be interested in me.” Since the teen years are critical for developing one’s identity and learning how to be in social relationships, it would only make sense that teens who do not date, are going to have struggles as adults knowing how to develop positive relationships. Lack of respect for others’ boundaries When I recorded my CD “A Parents Guide to Helping Children and Teens Involved in Pornography,” my friend in the recording studio said, “I wish my parents would have had this information a few months ago. I have a younger sibling who recently sexually acted out with others boys in our neighborhood.” Sadly, children viewing pornography are going to be more likely to explore and act out.

While I do not believe that all children who see pornography are going to act out, I can guarantee you that children who are not exposed to pornography or sexual acts are not going to think of performing sexual acts on others by themselves. Simply said, we do not do what we do not know.

Unfortunately, pornography can trigger others to disrespect others’ personal boundaries and can warp one’s perception of what sexual boundaries can and ought to be. Pushing or encouraging others to perform sexual acts is just one of the ways that boundaries are broken when one has had constant exposure to pornography.

Unrealistic sexual expectations

It is common for individuals trapped in pornography to have skewed views of normal sexual behaviors. This is especially true for those who watch a lot of downloaded video clips or watch pornographic movies. The porn stars make their sexual acts seem normal. When in truth they degrade true sexual intimacy. Viewing sexual video clips often creates unrealistic sexual expectations in those who view them. When I meet with men who have struggled with pornography before their marriage, I encourage them to learn how to have healthy sexual relations. I warn them about the possibility of developing unhealthy sexual expectations of their spouse. I try to teach these men to be extra sensitive and caring toward their spouse’s sexual needs. Again the challenge with pornography is that it gives individuals a warped perception of the sacred nature of sexual intimacy in loving relationships.

Lack of desire for normal healthy sexual relations

Over time pornography can become so encompassing that individuals caught in it start looking for any kind of sexual experience they can get. This generally leads to multiple sexual experiences, but not to close intimate relationships. Under circumstances like this, intimacy is not achieved. Shallow, unhealthy, short relationships are the norm.

In adult men, this often leaves a spouse or partner feeling unwanted and undesirable since they are taking a back seat to the pornography.

Viewing others as objects rather than people

When children and teens get too involved in pornography, they may grow up viewing others as objects rather than real people. Many of my clients have told me that they have a hard time not viewing women as objects. They look at their bodies rather than seeing them as people who have emotions and feelings.

The above items are common consequences of regular pornography viewing. I would not say that all individuals caught in pornography experience such things, but far too many do.

As a parent, your challenge is to teach your child to see value in others especially when it comes to the sacred act of sexual relations. In your discussion, remember not to punish or put them down. It is best to simply teach them about valuing others and how pornography can make them devalue others. It is also important to teach them about appropriate boundaries. Discussing boundaries should happen with all of our children. Children should understand that they should never force their will upon another person nor should others force their will upon them.

I have also found it is helpful to teach individuals to have extra compassion and care for others. When we respect and value others it is more difficult to see them as objects.

Next month, I will share how pornography impacts your child’s sexual development and sexual relations.

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Section 3: How Can I Forgive My Loved One? (Part 2)

Last month I introduced the concept of cheap forgiveness as described by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. This month I want to address the idea of emotionally moving on regardless of how your spouse or partner responds. This is one of the most challenging concepts to embrace since you are likely to be emotionally tied to your partner.

I want to be upfront with you in acknowledging that emotionally moving on is one of the most difficult things to do. I realize that you care for this person. You have been betrayed, lied to, and much more. However, there comes a point where you can either let your partners’ behavior dominate your life or you can emotionally move on. In this process you will need to determine how your spouse/partner is responding. Is he willing to seek help? If so your relationship may have a chance, if you want it to. If not, you may need to make the toughest decision of your life and move on. However, even if you choose not to stay in the relationship, you will still need to emotionally move on with your life. Far too many people I have met divorce their spouse but still live with the emotional pain of the relationship for years.

Here’s a few steps to help you move forward regardless of how your spouse responds.

#1. Take care of you.

You need to be careful not to spend all of your time thinking about your partner/spouse’s behaviors. Your mind may want to think about what they could be doing. Your focus needs to be on things that help you. Things you can do include:

1. Spending time with friends or family
2. Buying a new dress
3. Getting into an exercise routine
4. Taking time away from your daily routines to do something you really want to do
5. Doing something that you have wanted to do for a long time but haven’t done because you are always taking care of others

#2. Expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

One of the most critical things you will do to emotionally heal is to expect your partner/spouse to treat you with dignity and respect. You don’t have to tolerate being blamed or accused for their misbehavior. Your spouse/partner will have more respect for you if you appropriately take a stand for yourself. It will empower you. You need to be empowered in this process. You don’t have to be a victim of their behavior. Remember that you deserve to be respected and valued. If they cannot do that, you need to realize that your spouse/partner is not in a place where they can be in a relationship.

#3. Don’t avoid the pain.

Many of the people I work with feel their pain and do not know what to do with it. They run the same things over and over in their mind. These thoughts of pain become trapped inside of their mind and all they feel is the hurt. My suggestion in situations like this is to look at the pain and identify the key emotions you are feeling. Write down what you are feeling so the hurt has more meaning than just the pain. For example, “I am feeling betrayed and abandoned but my real pain comes from the lies my spouse has told me. I feel deceived. It all makes me so angry. Why did he do this to me?”

While the core pain in the statement above is being lied to, the next step is to gather more information so that you can make the best decision of how to respond to the pain or hurt. For example, is your spouse/partner taking steps to stop their behavior? Or is he still avoiding the problem and/or blaming you? What is the truth about his behavior? If he is working to improve, does that help you or are you still feeling the powerful emotions of what he did in the first place? Next, look for possible solutions or the truth of what is happening in the relationship now? In other words try to outline a road map of how to proceed. If my spouse seeks help, I will wait and see how he progresses. If he progresses we will work to develop a closer relationship. If he remains open and honest with me, I will stay in the relationship and give him the benefit of the doubt. I will not tolerate him emotionally disconnecting from me.

Finally, if your partner is unwilling to change, you need to understand that you will feel pain. You need to mourn the loss of a person who has changed and is unlikely to return. Once you understand that you have lost this person, the next step is to move forward with different expectations. This may mean that you have to leave the relationship because he is not meeting your expectations of what a spouse should be like in a marriage. Or you may see progress and need to adapt your expectations to view progress rather than complete perfection.

#4. Remember your healing is a process.

Finally, don’t expect that you will quickly recover. Neither you nor your spouse/partner should expect that you will quickly heal. It takes time to repair the damage of learning about a spouse’s addiction. Give yourself time. Don’t push yourself and feel the need to get over this as quickly as possible. By rushing or trying to push the pain away you may be neglecting key elements that will eventually come up. That is why it is critical that your spouse earn back the trust rather than it simply be given back. Trust is earned.

Next month, I will discuss how two people can reconnect in the recovery process.

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Section 4: Products

If you are in a relationship and would like to learn how to use principles that make your relationships work, I would encourage you to purchase and listen to my CD:

Five Sure Fire Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships

I wish you the very best.

Until June--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner