TPA Newsletter: Issue #001: Let's Get Started

Let me begin by expressing my thanks for signing up for this Treating Pornography Addiction e-zine. I realize that signing up to receive this e-zine indicates that you or someone you know and love is struggling to overcome a pornography addiction. I also understand that this e-zine will not be a final solution in the recovery process. It is my hope that this and upcoming isues will provide you with new ideas and creative tools that will assist you and those you love in your battle with pornography.

I should mention that each issue of the newsletter will have four distinct sections. The first section is for individuals trying to overcome the addiction. The second section is for parents who are trying to help a child involved in pornography. The third section is for spouses who want to understand and help their partner. The fourth section includes recommendations of products and services available to those dealing with pornography.

****Outline for this issue****

1. Getting started—The first tool to recovery for individuals caught in pornography addiction.
2. What every parent should know about pornography
3. Your spouse is involved in pornography, now what?
4. Exciting new products

****Let's Get Started****

Section 1: Getting started—The first tool to recovery for individuals caught in pornography addiction.

If you are like most individuals caught in pornography you may feel like your battle is hopeless and helpless. Seldom do I see grown adults cry, but the power of pornography has literally overtaken the minds of many with whom I work. Sadly, many do not understand the addictive nature of pornography until they are deeply caught in its insidious web. However, even with the strength and pervasiveness of pornography in our society, you can learn to overcome this addiction.

If you want to get started you can begin today. You will need to remember some simple things. First, overcoming pornography addiction takes time and is not something that you will simply quit and never think of again. Pornography has a powerful effect on the human mind and consequently requires a tremendous effort to fend off its powerful cravings. Second, expect to succeed by implementing the tools you will learn from reading this newsletter and other educational material I will recommend. And third, revert back to steps one and two if you relapse and begin feeling hopeless at any point. Remember this is a journey and not an event.

The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. As difficult as it is to admit you have a problem, it is more difficult to maintain a lie. It demands a lot of time to hide a pornography addiction. If pornography is one of the top five things you think about day in and day out, you are being controlled by visual pornography. The moment you admit you have a problem is when healing can begin.

There are two steps to admitting that you have a problem. The first step is to acknowledge that you have a problem. Dr. David Viscott in his book, Emotional Resilience wrote, “If you lived honestly, your life would heal itself.” Honestly admitting that you have a problem begins the healing process. The second step isn’t so easy. It requires that you allow other people into your life so they can help you. I would recommend that you take some time and write down the people who could help you the most. Find at least one person who you could talk to about your involvement with pornography. It should be someone who is non-judgmental and who would be willing to listen to you. I would recommend that you take some time right now and make a list of two people with whom you could talk.

In the next newsletter I will discuss the importance of getting to the root of the addiction.

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Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know about Pornography

When parents seek my help as a professional, they are usually worried about what they found on their home computer. They cannot seem to believe that their child is involved in internet pornography or online chat rooms discussing sexual behaviors. It is usually after episodes like this that I get involved. Parents, for the most part, have little to no idea of how prevalent pornography is among children and teenagers. For example, one online website found that 12-17 year olds are the single largest consumers of online internet pornography ( WiseChoice.net ). This is scary! Especially considering the following information about the minds of our children and teenagers.

Dr. Judith Reisman suggests that, “Children react with fear to the stimulus of sexual touch and sexual scenes. Fear is a necessary reaction by the normal child organism to sexual stimuli, for the immaturity leaves the child completely without the cognitive or emotional tools to respond to sexual cues or touch. Children’s exposure to sexual triggers would produce greater or lesser states of alarm, that is trauma, resulting in ‘altered neural systems’ with a low probability of the child victim being aware of the trauma that has altered her or his brain, mind, emotions, and memory.”

While the language of Dr. Reismans may be somewhat technical, she is suggesting that pornographic images alter the child’s brain and produce powerful emotional experiences that cannot be understood by the developing mind. This type of exposure can hinder the child’s brain development and reduce the mind’s ability to develop in other key areas. In essence it can become fixated on seeking sexual stimuli (searching for the emotional experiences) rather than enjoying typical age appropriate behaviors.

Every parent who understands this important concept would be wise to protect their child from exposure to mind-altering sexual images.

In the next e-zine I will offer a few suggestions how you can talk with your child about the importance of avoiding pornography.

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Section 3: Your Spouse is Involved in Pornography, Now What?

I have read a lot about treating pornography addiction but very few of the publications have spent time addressing the needs of the spouse or partner. I understand you are in pain. You have been dealing with your partners’ rejection, negative behaviors, and deceitfulness. You are likely experiencing a wide range of emotions from wanting to ignore what has happened and move on to feeling so disgruntled that you are seriously considering divorce.

Regardless of what you choose to do, it is critical that you understand there are healthy ways to deal with a partner who has an addiction. Let me explain. A principle is a fundamental truth or law that is constant and unchangeable. I am suggesting that there are principles that you can use to help you through this difficult time. As you implement these principles you will naturally know how to proceed with your spouse, because you will not be carrying the emotional burden of their addiction. You will know that you have done everything you can, regardless of whether your spouse changes or not.

The first step is to learn to regulate your own emotions. It is very common for spouses of addicts to become so engaged in the problem that they cannot think about anything else. Learning about your partner’s involvement in pornography has likely triggered a wide range of emotions in you and can prohibit your personal growth and development in other areas of your life. So the first goal should be to process your own emotions and feelings. Take the time and identify how your partner’s behaviors has impacted you. Write down your true emotions and concerns then seek healthy ways to deal with them.

For example, if you find that you often feel angry you will want to learn strategies for reducing anger. One way to do this is to ask yourself why you are so angry. Is it because of lies, feelings of betrayal, or something else from your past? Once you have identified the reason/s, you have to ask yourself a tough question. What is the best way for me to respond to the lies I have been told? Or how can I respond to the feelings of betrayal?

Possible answers to these questions include:

• I can talk with my spouse about how his/her behaviors have impacted my feelings.
• I can control my feelings by focusing on the things I can control such as what I think about and how I treat my spouse amidst his/her behavior.
• I can find a support group to help me learn new strategies for coping with my spouses behaviors.

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Section 4: Exciting New Products

I am excited to announce a whole new package avialable to my e-zine subscribers. On June 15th, 2005 we will have available the full package for "Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery." This package will include:

1. Three hours of educational CDs to help individuals caught in pornography addiction. These CDs are the first three hours of therapy that I do with my clients. These CDs lay the foundation so long-term change can begin.
2. Next, I have written a book to accompany the CDs. This book will walk you through the essential tools for recovery. It has many stories and examples that you can use to help you recover. This book has assignments and an entire chapter designed to illustrate the process of how to journal your way to freedom.
3. A Parent's Guide to Helping Children and Teens Involved in Pornography. 1 hour CD
4. A Spouses Guide to Helping a Partner Caught in Pornography Addiction. 1 hour CD

This package can be purchased at GrowthClimate.com. The original price for the three CDs and the book has been $99.95. However, starting on June 15th I will be adding these two additional CDs to the package and the price will remain. For those who buy between now and June 15th, 2005 I will include these additional CDs with their purchase once they are completed.

I hope that you find this issue helpful and informative. Until next issue--good luck and remember the battle of life is determined by the decisions we make every hour of every day. This is a battle that can be won.

May God Bless You,

Dr. Kevin B. Skinner