****Outline for this issue****

1. The Productivity Principle
2. What Every Parent Should Know about Teens and Pornography (Part 3)
3. The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 3)
4. Exciting new products

****

Section 1: The Productivity Principle: Learn How to Get an Alternative High

Have you ever wondered why you view pornography? When I ask this question to my clients the most common response I get is, “I do it for the high. I like the feeling.” I find it interesting that some of my clients even tell me that they don’t really like the pornography they view -- they just like the feeling. Whether you like viewing pornography or not, the question is, what are you hoping to accomplish?

If it is the chemical high that you are seeking, why don’t you let me give you a few alternatives. These ideas come from my experience with individuals who are succeeding in the battle to stop viewing pornography. Clients who are succeeding learn the productivity principle. This principle simply stated is, “The more productive you are the more energy toward life you feel.” For example, when you finish a project you feel positive and hopeful. Conversely when you feel weighed down by things that aren’t getting done you begin to feel overwhelmed and at times hopeless. So, if you want to get an alternative high to pornography, consider focusing on being more productive.

Here’s a list of things that you could do to get an alternative high:

1. Exercise 3-5 times a week. One of my close friends overcame a drug addiction and smoking habit by turning to running. Last year he ran 5 marathons.
2. Write down the tasks you need to accomplish in the morning and finish at least three of those tasks each day.
3. When you start a job, work until it is completed.
4. Develop a new skill or talent. One client decided that he would renew his piano playing skills. Another worked on memorizing things.
5. Put your finances in order. Many individuals have told me that they spend too much and consequently feel out of control. As we talk about being productive, one thing that helps them is to establish financial goals and strategies for getting out of debt. As they work toward this they feel more energy and hope and stop turning to pornography as a way to deal with their financial stress.
6. Strive to be excellent at something. Be the best husband. Best dad. Best employee. The best thing is that when you start putting your energy into alternative highs, you will spend less time thinking about pornography. In the end, one of the best tools you will ever use in overcoming a pornography addiction is being productive. Productive people feel better about themselves.

In the next newsletter, I will discuss a new concept to me that I describe as “the wake up call.”

****

Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 3):

Pornography and Your Child’s Emotional Development

In last months TPA e-zine I discussed how pornography alters the make-up of the mind. This month I will describe how pornography impacts your child’s emotions. Children, in particular teenagers, are already emotional. They experience a wide range of emotions as their body goes through puberty. Children who have been exposed to pornography register strong emotions that can highjack the rest of the mind. In describing this process Dr. Goleman writes: “Our emotions have a mind of their own, one which can hold views quite independently of our rational mind…Those unconscious opinions are emotional memories; their storehouse is the amygdala…the very same neurochemical altering systems that prime the body to react to life-threatening emergencies by fighting or fleeing also stamp the moment in memory with vividness…The more intense the amygdala arousal, the stronger the imprint; the experiences that scare or thrill us the most in life are among our most indelible memories.” (1) Unprepared to deal with the emotions created by pornography the child’s automatic response is fear and excitement.

Over time, increased exposure to pornography may reduce the feelings associated with fear, but the anticipation of chemicals being released into the body triggers excitement. Those who consistently view pornography eventually become so accustomed to sexual stimuli that the excitement can only be enhanced by seeing more intense forms of hard core pornography. It is important to point out that children who are involved in regular viewing of pornography (3-5 times a week) and who have started viewing hard core pornography may experience emotions beyond the typical range of teenage emotions. In particular, as a parent you may watch for some of these emotions:

• Extreme anger—acting out with more defiance than usual
• Disgust—unhappy, self-loathing, and feelings of being sad or down
• Shame—guilt, embarrassment, irritation, and remorse
• Fear—dread, timidity, anxiety, agitation, concern, and doubt

While most of the emotions described above may seem common to teenagers, they are more pronounced and intense with the youth that I have worked with over the years who are involved in pornography. For example, Steve’s parents called me concerned about the pornography they had found on their home computer. They were concerned because he had started to isolate himself from friends and other activities that he had previously engaged in. They were most concerned about his recent lack of self-confidence and internal doubts. They wondered if he was suffering from depression. They reported that in their talks with Steve he had told them that he felt like he was an outsider at school. He explained to them that he was overly anxious and concerned about how others viewed him.

After talking with his parents it would have been easy to think that Steve was an outcast with very few friends. However, when I met with Steve I quickly learned that he was very intelligent and had a great ability to relate with others his age. In discussing his involvement in pornography he revealed that he had become so caught up in viewing it that he felt like he was out of control. He further declared “I am living a lie.” He explained to me that he had a hard time thinking about anything else but pornography. This had been an ongoing secret that he had kept to himself and hadn’t shared with anybody until his parents found pornography on their computer. Now that his parents were aware and it was in the open he described all of the negative feelings he had about himself because of his involvement in pornography. He told me that he was ashamed to discuss his behavior with anyone and because of fears that others would get mad or make fun of him. He told me that he had been carrying this burden for over two years. This secret of living a double life had built up inside of him to the point that he was very depressed and scared that he would never be able to escape from the powerful grip of pornography.

Other key feelings he experienced were embarrassment and fear. He was embarrassed that he couldn’t stop on his own. He had told himself over and over that he was going to stop, but he couldn’t. That triggered a feeling of hopelessness that led to increased anxiety and fear. He wondered if there was something seriously wrong with him. When he learned about the addictive power of pornography and how his secrets had contributed to the problem, he realized that he had been trying to resolve everything on his own. Then as he evaluated his fear of being rejected by others he found that even those fears were misdirected. They had led him down a dark path towards loneliness and isolation when in truth, his parent’s hadn’t rejected him—they only wanted to help. At this point he saw how pornography had engulfed his mind and warped his perception of self and others. Soon he understood that he wasn’t alone and that he could safely discuss his behaviors with his parents. What a freeing experience that was. Understanding his emotions allowed him to begin the healing process of overcoming his pornography addiction.

Overall you can expect that your child will experience many emotions growing up. However, with pornography involved, you may see more extreme emotions ranging from anger to deep feelings of depression. At times like this it is critical to instill hope in them. They need to realize that they can overcome their pornography problem. Next month, I will share how pornography impacts your child’s self-worth.

****

Section 3: The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 3).

During the past two months I have shared an interview that I had with a woman whose spouse has a sexual addiction. This month I will continue this interview. It is my hope that these interviews will help you see some of the common stages you can expect to go through if you are going to try to stay in the marriage.

Question: How would you describe your healing process? What were the first steps? (Please note the words below are not word for word).

Answer: Healing. I still wonder if I have fully recovered. Even today I have moments where I wonder if this is all for naught. However, for me it began when I realized he wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t going anywhere. I was committed to this relationship and I learned from him that he wanted to be with me. This was the beginning. Perhaps we went through the honeymoon phase. I thought everything was all better at times and at other times I was ready to kick him out. My healing really was impacted by his behavior. He gave up many of his questionable behaviors. He was more accountable of his time. He stopped staying up late at night feigning the need to work. He began spending more time with the kids. He went to counseling and I was able to participate with him. When he was doing those things it made it easier for me to heal.

Question: Those are the things he was doing to help you heal, what are the things you did for yourself?

Answer: I had to stop playing detective. I had to stop letting my thoughts run off with me. When I realized I couldn’t control his behavior, I learned to observe my self. I began asking myself questions like, “Why am I doing this—(i.e. checking the previously viewed t.v. channel to see what he was watching). I realized I was thinking about what he was doing more than I was focusing on things I liked to do. My true healing began when I realized I had to take care of my own needs. If I was going to stay mentally sane, I had to take care of me. I couldn’t focus all of my attention on him. There was no point in both of us being addicted to his addiction. Does that make sense?

Question: What things helped you gain more trust in him?

Answer: Kind of like what I said earlier. He began doing things that he hadn’t done in years. He was more involved in home things and day-to-day living. He was less selfish. When he helps around the house I know that he is doing better. When he turns inward I begin having concerns. That has been my experience.

Question: Are there specific behaviors that he did to help you trust him again?

Answer: Yea! It really helped me when he would report to me how he was doing without me asking him. Sometimes he would look me in the eye and apologize for what he had done. Then he would tell me that he hadn’t relapsed. This was hard for me initially because he had done this in the past while he was looking at pornography. I realized he was being sincere. His energy was different.

Question: What do you mean by energy?

Answer: It just feels different. His internal lights are on. As I sit back and evaluate all of the things he is doing to recover I see that I would be holding him back if I was to keep focusing on the past. He is doing everything to recover. He is talking with other (groups), he is reporting to his spiritual leader, and he is engaging in life with us here at home. Next month, I will finish this interview. We discuss this lady’s advice to women whose spouse has a sexual addiction.

****

Section 4: Products

This months product is a relationship test for couples who want to understand the strengths and weaknesses of their relationships. This test highlights unhealthy characteristics and will help you identify the part of your relationship that should be worked on. It is an assessment of your perception of your partners behaviors in your relationships.

Visit GrowthClimate.com

Until March--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner

References

1. Goleman, Daniel, (1997). Emotional Intelligence