TPA e-zine, Issue #15–Shame (Why Do I Feel So Bad About Myself?)

Nov. 2nd, 2006

****Outline for this issue****

1. Shame (Why Do I Feel So Bad About Myself?)
2. How can I heal? I have just learned that my spouse is involved in pornography.
3. New Products: Blogging

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Quote: Shame is the emotional experience or feeling of painful embarrassment or humiliation that includes a sense of being insufficient as a person (Fossum & Mason, 1986).

Section 1: Shame (Why Do I feel So Bad About Myself?)

In August I discussed the difference between shame and guilt. However, I left out the core or root problem of shame. Shame, unfortunately is the turning upon oneself and accepting the idea that one is insufficient. Such beliefs are degrading to self and often contribute to relapse. Have you ever wondered where this shame comes from? The answer is what I would like to discuss today.

Let me begin by telling you one of my personal beliefs. I believe that we are all born with a belief that we are good. Watch infant children long enough and you will quickly agree with me. They are pure and good. They become excited over little things. Unfortunately, this innocence erodes with life experiences. Sadly, some of the greatest erosion occurs within the walls of children’s homes. It comes from parents who are over-demanding or uncaring. In fact, researchers have found that 78% of sex addicts come from rigid families (Carnes, 1991). Rigid families were characterized by being extremely judgmental and disapproving of anything sexual. They would also emphasize the importance of not making mistakes and “doing everything right.”

The consequence of this type of environment is often the development of an internalized shaming process. The common feeling is “I cannot be good enough” or “There is something wrong with me.” These faulty beliefs are often taught and accepted at an early age. The outcome is that we have grown adults who have forgotten their goodness and accepted the idea that there is something wrong with them. They don’t realize how good they really are or who they can really become. Instead, self-soothing addictive behaviors have overtaken them.

If each individual had the opportunity to review his life with perfect memory and see himself as a child, I firmly believe that he would realize the faulty beliefs he had adopted about self and would see clearly the subsequent misbehaviors he had chosen because of those beliefs. Now shame doesn’t always come from the home. It can come from others in society (e.g. peers, teachers, religious leaders, etc.). Remember shame is accepting the idea that there is something inherently wrong with you and this idea can come from many places.

So what does all of this mean to the shame-prone individual? My suggestion is this: If you have struggled with your self-worth and in particular you feel a lot of shame, look at your history. Where did you get the idea that you aren’t good enough? This may require you to do some serious thinking, but if you will do it, it will be worth your time. You will learn things from your past that will help you understand why you feel the way you feel and why you think the way you think. Take some time and write down your history. Learn from the experiences that you have had. Identify the things you have done because of your shame. Then realize that those internalized shame tapes are only bringing you down. If you want to record new (non-shame based) mind tapes, take some time and identify all of your good qualities. Realize that your potential lies within you, not in the controlled, pressured, or abusive world of your past.

You will find more peace when you are able to let the shame go. If you are doing something wrong, let the guilt change your behavior, but don’t accept the idea that you are somehow insufficient as a person.

In the next newsletter, I will discuss a very important principle that helps in the healing of an addiction.

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Section 2: How Can I Heal? I have Just Learned of My Spouse’s Pornography Addiction.

If you have just learned of your partner’s pornography addiction, you are likely experiencing shock, fear, excessive worrying, and many other challenging emotions. This section of the e-zine will address a few ideas to help you begin the healing process.

The first step to healing is to understand the pain. Healing cannot really begin until you understand how to deal with the pain. Your pain is likely coming from feelings of betrayal and dishonesty. You should have these feelings. You will feel hurt. However, these emotions will not always be how you feel about what has happened. Yes it hurts now, but as time progresses the pain you feel now will be different.

How will the pain change? Your mind has a unique ability to deal with crisis, make meaning of it, and then establish a meaning that is not as painful. This is especially true if your partner is taking steps to change and/or if you have emotionally resolved the pain (i.e. not taking your partner’s behavior as a personal attack, realizing you are good and that your partner’s behavior is his issue).

(Warning:) If the emotional pain is so bad that it will not go away, this is a sign that you are experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms (PTSD) and you should seek professional counseling. If you would like to be assessed for this please email me at trauma@treating-pornography-addiction.com and I will send you a test to assess your level of trauma. I will provide feedback based upon your responses.

The second suggestion in healing after discovery is to give it time. Don’t expect too much from yourself too quickly. You cannot and should not hurry through this process. If you expect to quickly go through the pain and be done, you may be overlooking unhealthy patterns in your relationship that need to be changed (see previous e-zine’s on forgiveness). Take your time and realize that how your partner responds to this discovery will impact you. If he takes responsibility and seeks help, this will aid in your own recovery. However, if he blames you or doesn’t want to change, your healing will be more difficult. You may feel that you cannot stay in this type of relationship. This realization is not easy and often hurts. Give yourself time to assess the situation and then make a wise decision based upon the information you are receiving.

Next e-zine I will address common trauma symptoms that you will want to assess and address.

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Section 3: Products

In August I introduced the idea of creating a blog to share your growth. Here's what I wrote: "I have been working on developing an online community for individuals who would like to learn from others who are struggling with pornography in their life. This is for individuals who are caught in pornography. It is for spouses who need additional support. And I am inviting parents who want to learn from others." You can go to this blog and see what others are writing.

In order to sign up for this free service all you need to do is visit PornHelp Blog. If for some reason the link above does not work. You can copy this link--http://pornhelp.21publish.com and visit the website.

One more thought. If you don't want to blog you can read others blogs and learn new ideas. You can participate by reading others blogs and commenting on their blog. I hope you will see the value of this new service.

With this new blog coming out, you can read my thoughts and ideas on a regular basis, even if you don't want to blog yourself.

I wish you the very best.

Until next time--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner

p.s.--As you can tell the e-zine is coming out about every two to three months. I have a couple of fun projects that I am working on that are requiring a lot of my time. When they are ready to launch, you will be the first to know.

p.p.s.--I wanted to share with you one of my hobbies. I follow gold and silver. If you are interested in a couple of my favorite stocks you can watch them.

Watch mmgg ($3.45) and fv.v (.46 cnd)found on the Toronto Stock Exchange.