Aug. 2nd, 2006

****Outline for this issue****

1. Guilt vs. Shame
2. Reconnecting in the Recovery Process (Part 2)
3. New Products: A Porn Help Blogging Community--please join us

**** Quote: People do not easily change, but love their own ancient customs…and it is by small degrees only that one thing takes the place of another…(Aristotle in his Politics).

Section 1: Guilt vs. Shame

This month, I hope to expound on a concept that has been upon my mind for a while. The idea shame vs. guilt comes from one of my graduate school professors, Dr. James Harper. Other professionals have also written on this topic. For example, Patrick Carnes has suggested that shame-based systems (e.g. an individuals family of origin) are linked to addiction (Carnes, 1989).

The idea of shame vs. guilt may be new to many individuals. The reason is most people think of these two words as synonyms. Dr. Harper points out that shame is often confused with guilt. He writes, “guilt is a recognition that our behavior has violated a standard or value that is important to us or significant to others… It involves recognizing that others or ourselves may have been hurt by our choices, and it usually motivates us to change behavior either by not doing it again or by doing something else that is acceptable under the standard and that doesn’t hurt others (Harper, 2005).” Shame on the other hand is an emotion that involves negative feelings about ourselves and a deep desire to keep others from discovering what we think are the negative aspects of ourselves (Harper, 2005).

Individuals who turn negative behaviors into shame-based responses come to believe that they are seriously flawed in some way. They feel guilt, but the feelings of guilt are not used to change behavior -- rather it is turned into excessive, chronic, intense, and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Such individuals develop an internal dialogue that sounds something like this, “If people only knew what I was really like they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.” Or they may say to themselves, “I have tried over and over to quit my addiction and cannot succeed so there must be something wrong with me.” Such negative statements are not feelings of guilt, they are internalized shame-based thoughts that often contribute to relapse. At best such thoughts led to depression, anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness. Whereas feelings of guilt are likely to change a persons behavior.

Understanding the difference between these two terms will hopefully help you understand the importance of evaluating yourself. Does your guilt lead to a change in your behavior, or does it led to self-criticism and other negative emotions? The importance of understanding this concept can be illustrated through observing recovering individuals who realize their own worth, even amidst their own misbehaviors. They recognize guilt is a normal response for the things that they have done wrong. They work to correct and rectify harm caused to self and others. Conversely, the shame-prone individual is still looking inside self, fearing that others will reject him. The weight that these individuals carry is tremendous. Their own belief system has not been challenged. They simply accept the idea that they are bad.

In my experience as a clinician, I have observed the power of realizing the negative drain of shame upon one’s emotions. When individuals develop a new understanding of their addiction and challenge their negative belief system, they realize their own worth and genuinely feel better about their life, even when they are still dealing with addictive behaviors. As they make progress and remove themselves from their addiction, their worth is increased even further. Healing can only occur without a shame-based response.

True healing occurs when individuals realize their own value and worth. Their guilt leads to changing behaviors rather than internalizing negative beliefs about self. The question we all have to ask ourselves is, “Are our misbehaviors leading us to change ourselves for the better or are we turning our mistakes into self-evaluations that limit our growth and personal development?”

In the next newsletter, I will discuss how individuals develop the shame-based approach and how shame can be confronted.

****

Section 2: Reconnecting in the Recovery Process (Part 2)

Last month, I discussed common principles for reconnecting in your relationship once the issue of pornography has been discovered. This month I would like to discuss two more principles that lead to reconnecting in relationships. These principles are: affirming worth, growth, and agency.

Principle #1: Affirming Worth—When one spouse learns of the other’s pornography addiction, trust is violated. It is normal to have feelings of being devalued and not cared about. While the individual struggling with pornography likely was not thinking, “How can I hurt my spouse today?” the outcome is still the same. Therefore, the challenge of reconnecting by affirming worth needs to be a focus.

The problem that many couples have is how exactly to affirm each others’ worth after discovering a hidden secret. Generally speaking, each couple will do this in their own unique way. However, I have developed an assignment to help couples discuss their needs to feel valued in the relationship. Here’s the assignment:

Assignment #1. Make a list of 3 things that you need from your spouse that would help you feel more valued in your relationship. Then make a list of three things you can do to help your spouse feel more valued. Once you have completed this list sit down and discuss your lists with each other. This list should help you understand more of each other’s needs. If you cannot do something that is on your spouse’s list, it is important that you discuss this with them.

Sending value to your spouse in trials is often difficult to do. However, if you can genuinely communicate your desire to make things better because of your love for your spouse, you will be far more likely to reconnect. Far too many couples become so focused on the problems in their relationship that they forget or stop remembering the little things that brought them together.

Principle #2: Growth— The Second principle to help couples reconnect is associated with relationship growth. In other words, what are you doing to build or strengthen your relationship? You may be thinking that I am crazy to ask you to try to strengthen your relationship while you are still trying to figure out whether you want to be in the relationship at all. Perhaps this idea may be premature, but I don’t think so. Couples who stay together and desire to reconnect need to learn how to be together again.

Let me give you an example of this. I have worked with many couples who struggle with anniversaries. In particular, the one year anniversary from learning about the misbehavior or addiction is often hard for my clients. I tell couples that it is critical to develop new memories on those days. If you do nothing the previous years memories will come flooding back into your mind and only remind you of the pain that you have been through. Whereas, if you take some time to express your love for one another you are building each other up rather than staying stagnant. My hope by dealing directly with difficult times is to help couples learn to reconnect on one of the most difficult days. What better way than to consciously renew your love for one another?

Here’s a sample letter of one man’s attempt to rewrite the negative memories from the previous year.

“My sweetheart. Today marks the year mark of my darkest hour and I can only imagine your most difficult hour. I know you have been through so much because of my pornography addiction. You have been amazing through this entire process. I have put you through the depths of hell and you are still by my side. I am a lucky man. Today, I want you to know that I am still committed to winning my battle against pornography. I wish I could tell you that everything is all better, but that is what I told you in the past when I was lying to you. I am still growing and learning and feel better about my progress than ever before. I owe much of this to you and your support. I thank you. I am looking forward to spending time with you today. I am going to be better today, tomorrow, and this year than I have been in the past. This is my commitment to you. If I don’t live up to this, I don’t deserve you.

With love,

_________ “

This couple decided to spend the day together doing activities that they haven’t done in years. This approach does not require couples to ignore the pain. What it does do is help them rediscover each other again. Nobody has set the exact rules of how two couples should go through reconnecting. Why not focus on some positive behaviors to help re-energize your relationship?

Here’s a couple of ideas:

1. Spend a day together just talking about fun things
2. Play games
3. Do some activity like hiking or biking
4. Go to the place you went on your first date
5. Read a book together and talk about it
6. Do something that you both enjoy Relationship growth doesn’t happen without effort.

If you focus on the problems in your relationship that is all you will see. If you spend time developing your relationship, you will find more joy and happiness in each other.

Next month, I will address this question, “How can I heal? I have just learned that my spouse is addicted to pornography?”

****

Section 3: Products

For the past few months I have told you that in the next couple of months I will have some exciting news. This month I am finally ready to introduce one of these new ideas. I have been working on developing an online community for individuals who would like to learn from others who are struggling with pornography in their life. This is for individuals who are caught in pornography. It is for spouses who need additional support. And I am inviting parents who want to learn from others.

I have just created an online blogging community for individuals to share their ideas with others. You can share what is working for you. You can share your frustration and hurts. Blogging is a wonderful concept that can help others connect and learn from each other. This new service is free for individuals who would like to blog about their experiences.

If you are not familiar with blogging let me explain it. It is basically like writing in a journal where others can read your thoughts and ideas and then they can make comments on what you have written. In our fast past society where we are spending more and more time on the computer, I believe this may be a helpful way for us to connect and share ideas. This will allow us to learn from each other.

In order to sign up for this free service all you need to do is visit PornHelp Blog. If for some reason the link above does not work. You can copy this link--http://pornhelp.21publish.com and visit the website.

One more thought. If you don't want to blog you can read others blogs and learn new ideas. You can participate by reading others blogs and commenting on their blog. I hope you will see the value of this new service.

Thanks for reading my e-zine over the past year. With this new blog coming out, you can read my thoughts and ideas on a regular basis, even if you don't want to blog yourself.

I wish you the very best.

Until September--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,