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TPA e-zine, Issue #008 –3 Steps to Emotional Freedom
Jan. 5th, 2006
****Outline for this issue****
- 3 Steps to Emotional Freedom
- What Every Parent Should Know about Teens and Pornography (Part 2)
- The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 2)
- Exciting new products
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Section 1: Three Steps to Emotional Freedom
Do you feel weighed down by your current lifestyle? I have had many people write to me about their feelings of being overwhelmed by the thought of giving up pornography. They feel guilty, ashamed, and hopeless because they feel like they cannot quit viewing pornography. Such pain is sweeping across the lives of many people. Fortunately, there are answers to relieve this pain. This newsletter will offer three solutions.
Dr. David Viscott in his book, “Emotional Resilence ” wrote, “If you lived honestly your life would heal itself” (1). I have spent a lot of time contemplating this statement. What does honesty mean? I have come to believe that it is more than being honest with others, it begins with self. How many times in your mind have you said, “That is the last time I am going to …” only to find yourself doing the same thing a week or month later?
Once we disappoint ourselves enough, we lower our expectations of ourselves. In our own minds we define ourselves down. Dr. Viscott has given us the solution for this: live honestly (with self and others). This is step one to achieving emotional freedom.
Step two is improving your emotional awareness. This type of awareness requires that you take the time to identify your own emotions. For example, do you ignore or push aside feelings of loneliness or sadness, or do you recognize these feelings and seek a positive solution?
Unfortunately, many people in our culture ignore their emotions because they feel like there is nothing they can do about them. This is like having a headache and denying the fact that an Aspirin could help take it away. When you are feeling emotionally down, frustrated, or upset take this as a cue that something inside of you needs to be resolved. Think about why you are feeling the way you are and then seek a positive solution. This is step two to finding emotional freedom.
Step three is turning to a higher power to help you heal. Spiritual healing doesn’t happen over night. It requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit. It involves having humility and it demands a willingness to learn and accept new things. In the end, it is acknowledging that we are nothing without this higher power. Moses described this best after the presence of God withdrew from him and he was left unto himself. He said, “Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed.” Moses had seen the glory of God and with such knowledge he later declared while being tempted by Satan, “I will not cease to call upon God, I have other things to inquire of him: for his glory has been upon me, wherefore I can judge between him and thee. Depart hence, Satan” (Moses 1:10, 17). It would be well with us to follow this model in times of weakness. Turning to God is step three to finding true emotional freedom.
In the next newsletter, I will discuss how to get a healthy high.
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Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 2):
Pornography and Your Child’s Mind
If you are like most parents, you are aware that your child will be exposed to some form of sexual image or pornographic picture while in youth. What most parents are not aware of is what is happening inside of their child’s mind during and after exposure to such images. As an adult, you have the ability to process how a sexual image makes you feel and how it impacts your emotions. A child on the other hand, does not have the cognitive or emotional ability to process that very same image. Consequently, the innocent mind of a child can be stimulated with images that it does not understand and that can permanently alter the mind.
In explaining this process Dr. Judith Reisman writes, “Children react with fear to the stimulus of sexual touch and sexual scenes. Fear is a necessary reaction by the normal child organism to sexual stimuli, for their immaturity leaves the child completely without the cognitive or emotional tools to respond to sexual cues or touch. Children’s exposure to sexual triggers would produce greater or lesser states of alarm, that is trauma, resulting in ‘altered neural systems’ with a low probability of the child victim being aware of the trauma that has altered her or his brain, mind, emotions and memory (2).
The brain’s neural system literally changes with increased exposure to sexual stimuli. With increased availability to view sexual images via TV, movies, music videos, the Internet, and other media outlets our children are experiencing unprecedented levels of exposure to sexual images. Therefore, it is important to understand the process of how pornography alters the mind.
When a child or teenager is exposed to a sexual stimulus, the mind has to respond to what it is seeing. This initial stimulus triggers emotions such as fear, anxiety, and excitement as the mind tries to process what it is seeing. These strong emotions instantly turn to thoughts in which the mind is trying to categorize or make sense of what it is seeing. Once the mind realizes that it is seeing something sexual the brain triggers an alarm in which the child experiences an “adrenaline rush, pupils become dilated, and the heart starts to race” (3).
Pornographic images flood the mind with more than just adrenaline. Other internal chemicals are released such as epinephrine (adrenaline), testosterone, (an endogenous steroid, men’s ‘fight or flight’ hormone), endorphins (‘endogenous morphine’), oxytocin (a bonding peptide strongly associated with feelings of love), dopamine, serotonin, phenylethylamine, and other pharmacological stimuli (4). With such powerful chemicals being released into the system, is it any wonder children and teenagers are led back to pornography after seeing it only once? With these chemicals running throughout the body the child is experiencing an excitement or “high” which has been equated to powerful drugs such as cocaine and LSD.
While some may claim that comparing pornography to drugs such as cocaine or alcohol is like comparing apples and oranges, researchers and addicts are both telling a different story. Both researchers and addicts agree that viewing sexual images alters one’s mood and ability to think rationally (5). If pornography offers such a powerful mind-altering effect as researchers are beginning to believe and addicts are confirming, the metaphor below illustrates how drugs (and pornography) can interfere in the neurochemical activity of the brain.
“The relationship that exists between the brain, endogenous chemicals produced through activities, and powerful mind-altering drugs may be understood using an analogy of a computer and two different brands of software. In the analogy, consider the brain as the hardware, which can be programmed to achieve various moods depending on the type of software used. A person may program his or her brain by using compatible software, such as those molecules produced by activities. Alternatively, a person may choose to use software that is not completely compatible. Although the incompatible software (amphetamine, cocaine, heroin, or [pornography]) will run certain programs (various mood changes), extended use of this software has the potential to cause serious damage to the hardware (brain)” (6).
The mind altering occurs due to overexposure to chemicals released into the mind and body while viewing pornography. Overtime the mind begins to expect these chemicals to be released into the body. When this does not occur, the body develops withdrawal symptoms. As the body becomes dependent upon the release of these chemicals, the mind is literally altered and the desire to obtain a “high” becomes a real need for the child.
In describing this process Howard Shaffer, head of Harvard’s Division on Addictions wrote:
“I had great difficulty with my own colleagues when I suggested that a lot of addiction is the result of experience…repetitive, high-emotion, high-frequency experience…But it’s become clear that neuroadaptation—that is, changes in neural circuitry that help perpetuate the behavior—occurs even in the absences of drug-taking” (7).
The point is that strong emotional experiences leave deep imprints upon your child’s mind. The consequence is that pornography (a powerful emotional experience) leaves engrained images in the mind of your child. Such images may never leave the mind and can be replayed at will. With increased exposure to pornography, children begin to think more and more about the images that they have seen. This creates thought processes in the mind in which the child begins focusing on sexual stimuli and/or fantasy rather than common child and adolescent issues.
Napoleon Hill, a famous motivational writer has said, “It is virtually impossible not to become what you think about the most. If you concentrate on something long enough, it becomes part of your psyche” (8). Consequently, children who have extensive exposure to pornography are likely to have sexually explicit erotica persistently running through their mind and influencing their day to day behaviors. Reversing this process can be done, but it is not a simple process. This is especially true if they have started to sexually act out the behaviors they are seeing in the pornography they view.
Last month began our focus on why it is so important to help our children avoid pornography. This month I focused on how pornography impacts your child’s mind. Next month I will describe how continued pornographic use could hinder emotional development. The following month I will discuss the social implications of prolonged pornography exposure on your child. Finally, I will identify common sexual challenges children face when pornographic images encumber their mind. Look for these topics in upcoming months.
Next month, I will share how pornography impacts your child’s emotional development.
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Section 3: The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 2).
Last month I shared the first part of an interview that I had with a woman whose spouse has a sexual addiction. This month I will continue this interview. It is my hope that these interviews will help you see some of the common stages you can expect to go through if you are going to try to stay in the marriage. As I mentioned last month, these stages have been discussed by other professionals.
Question: After the initial dust settled, what was it like for you? (Please note the words below are not word for word).
Answer: For me it took a long time for the dust to settle. I would guess at least six weeks. I was numb for the first month. I experienced every emotion possible. I thought I was going crazy one moment and then the next moment I thought to myself, “everything is going to be okay.” My problem was anything and everything could trigger me.
Question: Where did you turn for help?
Answer: Initially, I had no idea where to turn. I so wanted to scream for someone to help me. I first went to my bishop. This was good and bad. It was good because it made my husband accountable to someone besides me. However, my bishop was overwhelmed. He wanted to help, but he didn’t have the training nor the understanding of how to deal with sexual addiction. I also began talking with a close friend. My husband didn’t like that at all, but I told him that he made this bed now he had to live with it. I had to have someone to talk to.
Question: When did you start wanting to know more about sexual addiction?
Answer: From the moment I heard the term “sexual addiction,” I began reading articles online and I bought some books to read. I have read so many articles and books. You would be amazed if I brought my stack of books.
Question: Do you have a specific book that you recommend?
Answer: Honestly, I think different books helped me at different stages. Some of the books on sexual addiction were very helpful but at times difficult to read, such as Out of the Shadows. Probably the best book for me was Codependent No More.
Question: Are you still reading and learning a lot?
Answer: No. I read everything early on, but I just cannot put that much effort into it anymore. It took me a while to get to the point where I realized that I could read and read all I wanted to, but in the end I had to get back to taking care of myself.
Question: How did you get to the point where you felt the need to take care of yourself?
Answer: I got burned out. I was sick and tired of his behavior impacting everything I did. I had to learn to control my thoughts. I realized that I had become so consumed with his sexual addiction, that I was losing myself. Seriously, I was consumed. All of my thoughts were focused on this. When I finally realized I was losing myself, I decided to start taking better care of myself. Therapy helped me realize I needed to get back to doing things I enjoyed.
Next month, I will continue with this interview. We discuss specific things that helped her heal and how she began to build the trust again in the relationship.
****
Section 4: Products
This month the product I am going to recommend is a little out of the ordinary. My wife and I just finished reading a John Grisham book, The Testament. In this book you really have to think about life and its purpose. It has a really nice description of addiction. I recently recommend this book to my drug and alcohol group.
The second product I would like to recommend is more for parents and is also a little out of the ordinary. This is an article titled Teen Addiction to Cybersex Called Pervasive. This article describes some of the common feelings that teens deal with when they encounter sex and pornography on the Internet.
I hope you 2005 was good to you and may 2006 be even better.
Until February--Good luck and may God Bless you.
With regards,
Dr. Kevin Skinner
References
1. Viscott, David, (1997). Emotional Resilience. Three Rivers Publishing.
2. Reisman, Judith (2003). The Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography: Restructuring Brain, Mind, Memory, and Subverting Freedom of Speech. The Institute for Media Education
3. Moyers, Bill, (1993). Healing and the Mind. Doubleday, New York, pp. 199. Quoting Margaret Kemeny.
4. Pert, Candice, cited in Bill Moyers, Bill, (1993). Healing and the Mind. Doubleday, New York, pp. 177.
5. Carnes, Patrick, (1983). Out of the Shadows. Minneapolis, MN.
6. Sunderwirth, S. G. (1990) Harnessing brain chemicals: The influence of molecules on mind, mood, and behavior. In H. B. Milkman & L. I. DDederer (Eds.), Treatment choices for alcoholism and substance abuse (pp. 25-41). Lexington, MA: Lexington Books.
7. Schaffer, Howard, _article by Riesman
8. Hill, Napolean (1997). Keys to Success. Plume Publishing.
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