July 07, 2005

TPA Newsletter: Issue #002: Tools for Change

****Outline for this issue****

1. Getting to the Root of the Problem—The second tool to recovery for individuals caught in pornography addiction.
2. Discussing sex and pornography with your child
3. How to Avoid Getting Caught Up in the Fixing-Your-Spouse Business
4. Exciting new products

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****Section 1: Getting to the Root of the Problem****

Have you ever wondered why pornography is appealing to you? What exactly does it do for you? Most people assume that pornography viewing is for pleasure. However, if you are reading this newsletter, you probably are not feeling particularly “pleased.” It may be what you turn to when you are frustrated or in emotional pain. It may be your way of dealing with stress. Perhaps you view it to hide from your problems, or maybe you turn to pornography for recreation and the feeling (or high) that it gives you.

If you want to rid pornography from your life, one of the things that you will need to do is determine why you are viewing pornography. If you want to stop, you should take this question seriously. Most of the people that I work with turn to pornography for one reason or another. And in most cases, once they understand their own reasons for viewing it, they realize that they can turn to something other than pornography.

Here is a list of common reasons people who are addicted to pornography give for viewing it:

• To get away from stress
• To get a high
• To deal with conflict with a spouse or someone else
• For comfort

While there are many reasons for viewing pornography, it really is important that you get to the reason (or root cause) of why you do. However, understand the reason is only the beginning of this process. Once you understand why you are turning to pornography the next step is to develop alternative behaviors for when you would normally turn to pornography.

For example, John was clearly addicted to pornography. He was to the point where he would view pornography every occasion he could. He had quit almost all of his hobbies and activities to be alone and view pornography. When he was asked to get to the root or beginnings of his addiction, he found that he had initially turned to pornography because he was alone and isolated. He felt like no woman would ever want to be with him so he figured he could take care of his sexual needs by himself. However, after months and years of viewing pornography, he realized he was still alone and that he had wasted years engaging in behaviors that left him alone and empty inside. Our challenge in therapy was to help him engage in society as an alternative to isolating himself from others.

It is my belief that most people can change their behaviors if they get to the root cause of why they do what they do. With a heightened self-awareness, they can develop new behaviors to replace the old ones. So instead of turning to pornography during an argument, they will choose to go for a walk. Instead of viewing porn when they feel the need to get a high, they will call up a friend and go out to lunch. These behaviors are not easy for them, but those who are committed to change realize that these steps are necessary for long-term change to occur.

In the next newsletter I will discuss the importance of developing a good social support to fight off the pornography addiction.

**** Section 2: Discussing sex and pornography with your child

As a parent, it is not easy to discuss pornography with your child. However, given the constant exposure they have to it due to the Internet, T.V., videos, and other media outlets, we should expect that some exposure will occur. If we don’t talk to them, they may feel like we are ignorant about it or that we do not care if they are involved in it. In order to avoid sending this message, parents can take a proactive stance against pornography by discussing how pornography and other sexual images can warp the child’s perspective of a healthy sexual relationship.

In discussing pornography and sex with your child, it is important to let your child know that sexual relations are normal and are a healthy expression of love between a man and a woman. Far too often parents point out the negatives of sex (which includes pornography). Children are curious and want to know about sex and the human body. What children need to be taught is that pornography stimulates strong and powerful emotions that create feelings to procreate. Such feelings should be shared between a man and woman at an appropriate stage in their lives.

Children should also know that it is normal to be curious about sexuality. Therefore, as a parent you should have a discussion about sex with your child (obviously age appropriate). If your child is learning about sex from you they will be less likely to feel the need to hide what they see at school or on the computer from you. If you can develop an open line of conversation with them about healthy sexual development they will be more likely to turn to you when they have questions.

It is also important to let your child know that pornography, much like drugs and alcohol, is addictive. It is estimated that 10% of all people who view pornography online become addicted to it. We don’t know who will become addicted, but 1 in 10 will experience a significantly altered lifestyle due to a pornography addiction. That is a big risk to take. This should be shared with your child.

Many people do not feel that pornography is necessarily bad. What they do not realize is that for some people, it takes over their lives. Many parents dismiss children viewing pornography as simple curiosity. However, such an approach ignores the fact that pornography alters ones perspective of what a sexual relationship is really like. Pornography also can alter what a person thinks about. Teaching your child to focus on things other than pornography and sex is a great idea.

Discussing these things with your child early and often may save you and them much heartache when they attempt to engage in a real, intimate relationship.

Next month, I will discuss how to deal with a child or teen who is downplaying their involvement in pornography.

*****

Section 3: How to Avoid Getting Caught Up in the Fixing-Your-Spouse Business

If there is one message that the spouse of an addict should hear loud and clear it is Do not get caught up trying to fix the problem! The single biggest mistake that a partner makes when learning of their spouse’s addiction is to try and fix it. This is NOT your issue to fix. If you want to help you can: (1) learn about the addiction and develop non-judgmental open communication with your partner; (2) let your partner know how much you love them; (3) explain to your partner how their addiction has impacted you; and (4) share with your partner that you will support their recovery but not the addiction. These are four common intervention methods used with drug and alcohol addicts.

If you aren’t ready to take these four steps, you may want to examine your own emotions and deal with your own hurt and frustrations before you communicate with your spouse. Far too many spouses get so involved in their partner’s life that true healing by either partner cannot occur. So a general guideline for you will be to avoid getting too involved.

I know that this isn’t easy, but it is critical. Here are some suggestions to help you avoid the trap of being too engrossed in the problem.

1. Explore your own behaviors. If you have known that there has been a problem in the relationship for a while and have done nothing, why not? If you were not aware of your spouse’s behavior, what clues did you miss? Are there things from your past that need to be resolved so that you can deal with your spouse’s addictive behaviors in a healthy way?
2. Review the four steps above and try to implement them in your interaction with your spouse.
3. Let your spouse know that you are concerned about their behavior and that you would like to understand the depth and nature of their addictive behavior. However, before they start talking to you about their behavior, you need to decide exactly how much you want to know. Do you want to know everything or would you prefer to have a general outline of the things they have been doing? It is recommended that you do not piecemeal this information over time. Let them know when they disclose their behavior to you (whether it is everything or a general outline) that you do not want to learn about other behaviors at another time.
4. Once they have disclosed their behavior you may have a strong desire to tell them that everything will be okay and that you forgive them. This response is premature since you are going to experience a lot of emotions. Take some time and evaluate what their behavior means to you. Try to examine your own thoughts and emotions so you can clearly communicate these to your partner. Anger and fear are common emotions that you should expect to feel. However, over time these will not help solve the problem. Here’s a statement that may help you focus on healing, “It is virtually impossible not to become what you think about most. If you concentrate on something long enough, it becomes part of your psyche…If you think about problems, you will find problems. If you think about solutions, you will find solutions…. “(Napoleon Hill).
5. Remember that forgiveness will come with time, but for now it is important that you let your partner know that you appreciate their disclosure. Let them know that you are also working through issues and that they can expect to feel a wide range of emotions from you. Avoid pretending that you are strong. They need to understand how you really feel. Let them know how their behaviors have impacted your life together.

**** Section 4: New and Exciting Products

During the past few weeks I have been working hard to finish a book, "Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery." This book is now available and can be purchased at --GrowthClimate.com.-- This book will walk you step-by-step through the tools that are effective in overcoming this addiction.

In addition to the book, I have created three CDs to help provide educational ideas on how to overcome a pornography addiction. These CD's are available along with the book at the following link Addicted to Internet Pornography.

During the next few months I will be recommending a few other products that I have found helpful to my clients. If you have a book or other resources that you have found helpful, please let me know.

Until next month--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner