TPA e-zine, Issue #10 –A Wake-Up Call

March 2nd, 2006

****Outline for this issue****

1. A Wake-Up Call
2. What Every Parent Should Know about Teens and Pornography (Part 4)
3. The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 4)
4. Exciting new products

**** Section 1: A Wake-Up Call

If you are like most of us you have probably experienced an event that changed your life for better or worse. Such events can be a wake-up call suggesting that you need to make changes in your life. In some instances people do not get the wake-up call until their situation is irreversible. This was the case with Justin who lost his job after being caught repeatedly viewing pornography at work.

In a majority of cases the wake-up call comes early enough that change now can alter the outcome in a positive way. A wake-up call is often an invitation by a spouse or employer to change before permanent consequences are enforced, such as losing your spouse or your job. If you think about it, most people dealing with addictions are given multiple chances. Sadly, some individuals struggle to change their behavior even when they are given many chances. They wait until it is too late. Recently, I was on a local radio station utaham820.com discussing the issue of pornography with Dr. Liz Hale. We spent two hours discussing pornography addiction.

One man called in to ask advice on discussing his pornography addiction with his spouse. He had secretly been dealing with pornography addiction for years. He had sought help by attending 12-step groups without his wife knowing it. He asked for advice on what to do. He had kept this secret from his wife for years. His concern was that if he told his wife, she would leave him. How sad.

This man had been keeping a secret from his wife for years. How do you think this impacted their relationship? How will this information impact his wife? How much emotional pain, guilt, and shame has this man bottled inside for the past few years? I don’t know if this man will tell his wife or not, but if he chooses to, he will have created his own wake-up call. It is something that should have happened years ago. Yet, out of fear of losing someone he reports to have loved deeply, he kept his greatest challenge a secret. His wake-up call may or may not be too late.

This brings me to the point of this month’s e-zine. You don’t have to wait for a wake-up call to change. You can give yourself a wake-up call today. Change is possible. It is not a hopeless battle.

If you believe you can’t, you won’t.

If you believe you can, you can find a way.

Your wake-up call can come from you and not others. Most successful changers change because they want to not because they are forced to. So give yourself a wake-up call before it is too late. This reminds me of a quote, “A man forced against his will remains the same still.”

One of the most difficult issues I deal with as a therapist is individuals who wait until it is too late. They attempt their change when their spouse is half way out the door. Please don’t wait until your partner is gone or you have lost your job. Here’s a strategy that you could use if you want to give yourself a wake-up call. Remember that your mind is accustomed to doing the same things over and over again. Therefore, in order to create change you will need to do something significantly different in order to break the pattern you have created with your pornography addiction.

I CANNOT EMPHASIS THIS ENOUGH. OVERCOMING AN ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY REQUIRES THAT YOU LIVE A DIFFERENT LIFESTYLE. THERE ARE THINGS THAT YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO ENGAGE IN BECAUSE THE TEMPTATION OR CRAVINGS ARE TOO DIFFICULT TO FEND OFF.

So focus on doing something so unique that your mind instantly recognizes the challenge you are facing and chooses to engage in a healthy behavior rather than pornography.

One man used a concept I call visual imaging. His wake-up call reminder was imagining his wife walking out the door with her bags packed and the kids crying. This thought was his wake-up call when he was feeling tempted to give in to viewing pornography.

Remember, you don’t have to wait for a wake-up call.

In the next newsletter, I will discuss steps you can take to heal the pain you have caused others with your addiction.

****

Section 2: What Every Parent Should Know About Teens and Pornography (Part 4):

Pornography and Low Self-Worth

Last month I introduced how pornography impacts your child’s emotions. This month I want to add another emotional challenge that pornography presents to teenagers. Pornography contributes to feelings of low self-worth. Those caught in pornography often turn their negative feelings inwards and they attack their own self-worth.

Teenagers who are heavily involved in pornography often feel out of control. Feeling this way, many teens (and adults) disconnect from their emotions because they do not know how to stop the behavior which triggers their feelings of utter hopelessness. They often experience significant internal pain and frustration at their lack of self-control. Consequently, low self-worth is often a bi-product of pornography addiction.

Feelings of low self-worth also stem from violating ones own belief and value system. When an individual goes against or violates their own beliefs or the beliefs instilled upon their minds by parents, they are likely to become overly stressed. This is called dissonance. This is an extremely difficult time for the child. They may want to return to their previous emotional state of innocence, but due to their actions and what they have experienced -- this is simply not possible. The mind knows what it has seen and if constant exposure has become the norm, feelings of guilt, shame, and at times apathy are common at this stage. Since viewing pornography generally feels exciting and good, they have a hard time reconciling that feeling with guilt and shame. However, once they have become accustomed to this feeling and believe that they cannot stop, they become apathetic about viewing pornography. Some will begin to believe that it isn’t a big deal and that others are making it a bigger issue than it really is. Others simply claim that it won’t hurt them or that everybody is doing it (unfortunately, this may be true).

The challenge is that children and teens often say this to the point that they believe it. The harder parents and others push them the more resistant they become. Consequently, it is critical to help your child understand how their emotions are altered while viewing pornography. Condemning your child or shaming them is not what your child needs. They are likely in an emotional state of emptiness and confusion already. Parents need to try and listen to their child at this point. Yes, do everything you can to protect them from pornography but seek to understand them. Listen to them. By doing so you are soliciting information that will help them describe how they are really feelings. As you try to genuinely understand them, they are likely to tell you that they feel caught in the web of pornography. Some teens will tell you that they enjoy it. Others will tell you that they enjoy the feeling viewing pornography gives them, but on the other hand they feel bad or guilty after viewing it. As a parent it is important to be aware that the longer they stay in this state, the more emotional turmoil they will experience. Seeking professional help at times like this is a good idea.

In most instances, a teenager’s behavior will often escalate to the point where they feel so guilty, ashamed, and/or out of control that they either get caught or they seek some type of help. As humans we cannot consistently go against our own beliefs and values without altering our life in a significant way. In most instances, teens heavily involved in or addicted to pornography are violating their own belief and value system. One fourteen year old explained it this way, “The first time I saw pornography I knew that if I let myself I could become addicted. I knew it the first time I saw it, but I didn’t listen to my own mind. Now seven years later I am regretting that I didn’t listen and respond to that first thought. I should have listened.”

When any person goes against their core beliefs they will likely do one of two things. They either lower their standards (core beliefs) to meet their actions (which keeps them trapped in their behavior, but frees their conscious mind of the guilt they feel) or they work to improve their actions to meet their standards (see chart below).

STANDARDS

Dissonance or Stress

ACTIONS

What many parents do not realize is that while they may have taught their child differently, their child has not adopted their parent’s belief. What I hear most frequently at times like this is, “I have taught them differently.” Yes, they have been taught differently, but at this point they haven’t adopted those beliefs. That is why they can claim that they don’t have a problem with viewing pornography (or engaging in other inappropriate behaviors). However, when a child wants to change but doesn’t know how, his standards are a lot different from his actions (like in the chart above). This creates dissonance (stress). Individuals caught between their standards (or values) and actions are often emotionally upset and easily irritated. These individuals have a hard time focusing in activities, school and other social activities. One client put it this way, “I feel so guilty that I cannot focus at school. Then when I do better I remember all the bad things I have done and then I feel guilty again. This makes me want to do better, but I know that the inner tension will grow and eventually I will give in and look at pornography. Then my guilt comes back.”

The longer one stays in dissonance the more likely they are to have low self-worth. Common statements of low self-worth include:

• I am not as good as others
• Nobody really likes me
• I am a bad person
• God doesn’t care about me anymore
• Who could love someone like me?

Such statements clearly represent emotional pain that needs to be resolved. If you find that your child is involved in pornography and they are dealing with such negative beliefs about themselves, it is important to seek help immediately. Your child’s future depends on their ability to learn how to alter these beliefs. This will happen as they learn to alter their addictive behaviors and gain control over their actions.

As your child learns to live their standards, a renewed confidence will come into their life. A sixteen year old taught me this lesson when he said, “I had been looking at pornography and masturbating for so long that I didn’t think I would ever be able to get over these issues. Then when I realized that it may take time for me to overcome this problem, I felt more hope and excitement for life.” The key concept behind regaining self-worth is hope. This can be instilled upon your child’s mind by providing him/her the necessary resources and educational tools on how to regain control over their life.

Next month, I will share how pornography impacts your child’s social relationships.

**** Section 3: The Journey of a Woman Whose Spouse Has a Sexual Addiction (Part 4).

During the past three months I have shared an interview that I had with a woman whose spouse has a sexual addiction. This month I will conclude this interview. It is my hope that these interviews have been helpful to you. I hope that you have benefited from seeing some of the stages that someone else has been through. Here’s the rest of the interview:

Question: What advice do you have for others who have learned of their partner’s sexual addiction? (Please note the words below are not word for word).

Answer: First, I would say that it takes time. I wanted to get everything over and get my life back to normal. It took me a while to recognize that my life NEVER would be the same again. Healing has slowly come with persistence and consistency. In my situation, I was fortunate to have a spouse who owned his mistakes. He has spent a lot of time dealing with his addiction. He went to counseling. He went to groups. He is open with others about his addiction. All of these things has allowed me to see things inside of his world. His openness has really helped me.

Second, I would tell women to focus on healing themselves. It is too easy to get caught up in your partner’s addiction and lose yourself. I did this for a while. The earlier you learn to take care of your needs the better off you will be.

Question: How did you balance between your needs and your relationship with your spouse?

Answer: That was and still is difficult. I have had to let go of so many of my worries. The result was positive for me. But I had stopped paying so much attention to my husband. This caught him off guard and caused some real problems in our relationship. I think I had let go too much. He felt like I didn’t care about him. When we recognized this, we both put more effort into strengthening our relationship. This was the most rewarding part. All along I wanted to be closer, but was afraid to ask for it since he had rejected me so many times earlier in our marriage. When I pulled away as he was in the early stage of recovery, he didn’t like that at all. Yet, he understood that I had to come back to the relationship at my own pace. Without him pushing me for more closeness, it was easy. I saw him doing everything he could. I believe his motivation to resolve his addiction was therapeutic for me.

Question: Do you have any final advice for others who are going through what you have been through?

Answer: Yea. Recovery is unique or should I say different for each individual. The key thing is to remember that you too must recover. Your partner’s addiction has impacted your life. Don’t cover up your pain and issues. Deal with them. Get strong. Be the best you can be. Then if your spouse is willing to do his work, it can work out. If they don’t, at least you will know that you are being the best you.

Thanks for your time.

Next month, I will discuss the topic of how to know when you can forgive your partner.

****

Section 4: Products

Below I am listing a couple of resources for those struggling with pornography and a book for a partner or spouse.

Books for Those Struggling with a Pornography Addiction:

Every Man's Battle Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time

Out of the Shadows

Books for Partner or Spouse

An Affair of the Mind: One Woman's Courageous Battle to Salvage Her Family from the Devastation of Pornography

Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars (Paperback)

These books are not necessarily new but they have been helpful to many people. For example, "Every Man's Battle" is a book used by a friend that I recently met. He indicated this has been helpful to him and others. Of course, I recommend these books assuming that you have already read my book, "Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery." I wish you the very best.

Until April--Good luck and may God Bless you.

With regards,

Dr. Kevin Skinner

p.s. I have two really exciting things that I am working on that you can expect to see in the next two or three months. I am working feveriously to get these projects completed. You will be the first to know when they are completed. Stay tuned.